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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23689144">Just let me adore you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Babygayness/pseuds/Babygayness'>Babygayness</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>EastEnders (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Anxious!Callum, Fluff, I Don't Even Know, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Soft!Ben, mental health</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 17:14:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>30,754</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23689144</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Babygayness/pseuds/Babygayness</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Callum sat on the little blue chair in the first aid office after him and the and the other boy got dragged there by the head of year. He didn't know what to do with himself, he felt the urge to cry bubble in the back of his throat threatening the tears to spill out his eyes. He wasn't a violent person, this wasn't him. It wasn't him to be sitting there on the first day of year eleven with a bloody nose and busted lip. He looked down and noticed the blood splattered on his white shirt and tie. He didn't even know what he was going to tell Stuart or his dad but knowing them they would be proud of him standing up for himself after being called a queer but he felt ashamed and sick and tired. He sighed looking up and glanced at the other boy who was swinging on his chair. The boy also had a bloody nose and a black eye starting to show on his left eye. The boy looked at him and stopped swinging sitting up properly.</p><p> </p><p>"I haven't even introduced myself," The boy said with a cheerful tone to his voice as if he and Callum weren't trying to punch each other's lights out less then half an hour ago. "Ben Mitchell". </p><p>x</p><p>Or Ben and Callum school AU where they're both in the closet,</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>151</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. New</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey! I had this idea for a while now so I thought I would have a go writing it! The first chapter isn't the longest so think of it as a taster aha idk. Anyway hope you enjoy! warning its probably trash</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Callum should be filled with an excited buzz, it was the first day of year 11, the warm September sun was shining and he finally had everything a sixteen-year-old boy could dream off.  He had a group of friends, he had decent grades and he had Whit as his girlfriend and who is beautiful. Compared to last year where he was the nervous new kid with ears that were too big for his head that just followed the Carter kids everywhere. This should be his year and he should be excited about it, but he wasn't if anything he was weighed down by the dread that sat on his shoulders.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe it was because he woke up late or maybe it was because his dad got drunk again and explained how much of a disappointment Callum was to him? Or maybe the feeling of loneliness had once again taken his mind hostage causing his thoughts to overwhelm him. </p><p> </p><p>Callum tried to shake it off as he walked through the metal gates fiddling with the strap of his worn-out grey bag. He took a deep breath as he looked around the crowds trying to spot someone he knew, maybe all he needed was one of his friends to distract him. He knew there has been drama between Lola and Jay. Gossiping wasn't really his style but he just needed a distraction from his own internal drama. </p><p> </p><p>"Oi mate you ain't gonna believe this?!" Jay bellowed across the playground as he rushed towards Callum his blazer moving with the wind. One hand Jay held his phone while the other rubbed his forehead as if he was trying to physically iron out his thoughts. "Lola's only gone and changed her relationship status on Facebook to it's complicated what's the hell is that meant to mean?!".  Callum laughed softly shaking his head.</p><p> </p><p>"What did you do now?" He asked. Callum would admit over the summer he didn't see his friends as much as he should of so he wasn't really sure what was going on with them. Instead, he threw himself into revision and volunteering at the local old people's home. He knew it sounded weird spending his summer setting up bingo games instead of going out with his friends to the Cinema or drinking and partying. Deep down Callum knew what he was doing he was avoiding Whitney. He loved her, he was sure he did but sometimes she was too much. He liked a quiet life and Whit was anything but quiet. She was constantly dying her hair and experimenting with bright coloured eyeshadows. Whit was also loud, constantly calling him up after school to tell him what she heard it could about some girl from her maths classes called Evie giving some sixth-former a blow job before English block or it could be about some drama with Bianca. Whatever it was Callum would just nod along while playing some video online with Jay. It became a habit in the six months they'd been dating. </p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>After getting caught up with all the drama with jay and him ruining Lola's shoe they made their way to assembly. Jay left him to go sit with Lola and suddenly Callum felt the anxiety and loneliness start getting louder. He sat on the bench in the gym rubbing his hands against his black trousers as he looked around trying to find Whit. She was normally in by now. The hall was slowly started to fill up and the noise was overwhelming. He felt his chest start to constrict as the panic started to set in. He wasn't even sure what triggered it. He just felt on edge most of the morning and now having to sit suffocated by the rest of the year 11's and the lack of Whitney was causing the anxiety to start bubbling at the surface of his skin. He felt the heat prickling at the back of his neck as his hands started to become moist with sweat. He let out the breath he didn't realise he was holding when he saw Whitney's vibrant red hair in the walking towards him. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi hi" She cheerfully spoke her voice bringing some relief to him as she sat next to him kissing his cheek softly. "Sorry Bianca was being a right moody mare" she mumbled as she carelessly chucked her bag on the floor before turning to face him. It was only then that Callum noticed how much makeup she was wearing. Her eyelids were covered in a smokey grey eyeshadow that contrasted with the bright red lipstick that was messily covering her lips. If Callum was being honest it was a little too much, it made his eyes and head hurt-wait no no no she was pretty, this is what pretty was he told himself. </p><p> </p><p>"You look pretty today" He mumbled softly biting his lip gently as he smiled at her before turning his focus back to the stage watching the head of year Mr Andrews start the first assembly of the year. Only 76 more to go. </p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>Callum could feel his mood start to plummet again as he walked out of class to go to lunch after fourth. All he had heard the last few hours was that "this was one of the most important years of their lives" and mocks this and exams that. The stress had already started to build-up and the pressure was already starting to push Callum closer to the edge. He pulled out his battered blackberry and started typing a message to Whit as he walked to the cafeteria to ask where she wanted him to meet him. He let out a sigh as he focused on his phone before he felt himself bump into something causing him to stumble dropping his phone. He looked up and frowned when he realised that he didn't bump into someone and in fact, he bumped into another person. </p><p> </p><p>"You need to watch where you're going, Mate" He heard the other person grumble. Callum sighed as he bent down to pick up his phone and the battery that flung out of it when it hit the floor. He looked up, the other boy's face was harsh with a slight stubble scattered across it. His eyes were the brightest blue Callum has ever seen and he could feel himself getting lost in them. "Seriously you're not even going to apologise?" the boy snapped causing Callum to quickly pull away focus from the blue eyes. Callum could feel his cheeks burn as the embarrassment swirled in his stomach. </p><p> </p><p>"Just fuck off" Callum mumbled quietly as he stood up straight brushing off his blazer. He could feel the embarrassment and anxiety transform into anger. He didn't even know why he suddenly felt so annoyed at the stranger, he was in the wrong. Callum was anything for a quiet life, to just blend in acting like he didn't exist and he couldn't figure out why he couldn't let this go. </p><p> </p><p>"Excuse me?! That's not very polite is it?" The boy smirked as he brushed his hair out his face. Callum tried to resist looking in his eyes again which was near impossible once the other boy took a step closer to him. He was so close Callum could feel his warm breath against his cheek "I didn't mean to get you so worked up" He mumbled teasingly as he tilts his head back smirking. Callum could feel his chest tighten once again as a group started to form around them.  He shouldn't be feeling the way he was, he no longer felt hot in an angry or embarrassed but he still felt hot. He could feel it spreading up his neck as his walls began to crumble. His bottom lip began to tremble as his thoughts battled against each other. </p><p> </p><p>"Shut up" Callum tried to sound intimidating but it came out more as a whisper. He becomes increasingly aware of how many people have crowded around him and the shorter boy and he felt his breathing quicken, he needed to escape, he needed to just leave the situation it felt to claustrophobic "just go away" he snapped loudly as he shoved the boy. He quickly froze once he realised what he did. He wasn't a violent person. He didn't want any trouble he just wanted to get away from the crowd, the tension and his conflicted feelings. He tried to apologise but before he could the boy threw a punch hitting Callum's nose hard and fast. Callum felt himself snap and before he could stop himself he punched back. </p><p> </p><p>It all becomes frenzied after that. Both boys were punching, grabbing and kicking at each other. Callum himself wasn't even sure what was happening he felt as if he was out of control, he couldn't even process what was happening. </p><p> </p><p>It ended when Callum grabbed Ben's blazer and pushed him up against the locker. He felt the blood trickle from his nose and lip as he tried to control his breathing. His eyes glanced over the boy's face. His nose was also bleeding, the dark red contrasting with this pale skin. </p><p> </p><p>Callum noticed an earring in his ear and with that, he also noticed the small hearing aid the rested in his ear. A wave of guilt washed over him as he looked down not loosening his grip on the blazer. Time seemed to has stopped. The edges blurred and the only thing Callum could focus on was the person he held against the locker and the faded freckles that dusted his nose. He could feel himself leaning closer, he couldn't stop himself if he wanted to. The boy looked up at him leaning closer with Callum. Callum felt sick but a small excited buzz rushed through him it felt like he had pin and needles. He wasn't sure what was happening but he knew he was enjoying it. He felt the boy take a deep breath and watched him close his eyes </p><p> </p><p>"I smell queer" The boy whispered in Callum's ear. Callum went cold as he let the boy go stumbling back. He felt his chest tighten more as he tried to force the air in his lungs. </p><p> </p><p>"Halfway what are you doing?!" He heard someone shout before he could respond. He looked around and noticed the crowd. He felt wobbly on his legs as he stumbled around. He took a minute to look down at his knuckles and saw the state of them. They were bloody and red. "Halfway!" He looked up and saw Lee Carter shoving his way through the crowd. Callum grew up with Lee and his brother and sister Nancy and Johny. His older brother Stuart was best friends with their father Mick. He spent most of his childhood in the pub that he and his wife Linda owned. That was until his father got a job up north and they moved away. He still got cards on his birthday and regular postcards from the Carters but he did miss them. Until last year when his father got fired and they had to move back down to London and Walford. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't know!"Callum cried as he continued looking at his knuckles. Before wiping his nose on the back of his hand looking at the blood that appeared that he saw the other boy do the same. </p><p> </p><p>"Halfway.." He heard Whitney's voice before he felt her hand touching his cheek. Halfway was everyone called him for as long as he remembered. It was because he was a little stupid at times and Shirley, Mick's mum, would call him halfwit. In all honestly, he didn't really appreciate the nickname but he didn't want to upset anyone by telling them that so he got use to it. </p><p> </p><p>~</p><p>Callum sat on the little blue chair in the first aid office after him and the and the other boy got dragged there by the head of year. He didn't know what to do with himself, he felt the urge to cry bubble in the back of his throat threatening the tears to spill out his eyes. He wasn't a violent person, this wasn't him. It wasn't him to be sitting there on the first day of year eleven with a bloody nose and busted lip. He looked down and noticed the blood splattered on his white shirt. He didn't even know what he was going to tell Stuart or his dad. Knowing them they would be proud of him standing up for himself but he felt ashamed and sick and tired. He sighed looking up and glanced at the other boy who was swinging on the chair. The boy also had a bloody nose and a black eye starting to show on his left eye. The boy looked at him and stopped swinging on his chair. </p><p> </p><p>"I haven't even introduced myself," The boy said with a cheerful tone to his voice as if he and Callum weren't trying to punch each other's lights out less then half an hour ago. "Ben Mitchell" he grinned as he stretched his hand out to Callum. </p><p> </p><p>Callum looked at Ben's hand before dabbing his nose with the tissue "Callum Highway" he replied quietly "I'm sorry about-"</p><p> </p><p>"Losing your shit because you walked into me? It's fine" Ben laughed just head tilting back slightly before he focused back on Callum. "You weren't here when I was..you new?" He asked shuffling his chair closer to him. "This is my first day back after my hiatus," he said. Chatty Callum thought. Trust him to pick a fight with someone chatty. His plan for a quiet year was slowly slipping away from him. </p><p> </p><p>"Uh I just before Christmas last year" Callum replied nervously as he looked up at Ben again making eye contact with him again "and yeah I'm sorry I'm not normally like that," he said a nervous high pitch laugh tumbling from his lips followed by a quick blush. Ben just shrugged looking back into Callum's eyes. </p><p> </p><p>"Not every day you realise you're gay, is it? I think I can let you off” Ben said a small smirk creeping on to his lips. Callum frowned unsure if Ben was joking with him or not. He felt hot and uncomfortable once again  he loosened his tie feeling his chest restrict again.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not gay” he whispered barely audible “I’m not...I have a girlfriend” he argued slightly louder. He looked back at Ben eyes pleading “just don’t tell anyone” he whispered, scared he was gonna throw up on Ben’s shoes any minute. Ben looked back at him his face softening for a moment but before he could say anything they were interrupted by Mr Andrews.</p><p> </p><p>~</p><p>Somehow Ben Mitchell managed to sweet talk Andrews into not excluding them both. He insisted that it was a play fight that got out of hand. They both got a week of detentions and Callum agreed to check in with Mr Andrews once a week to make sure he was coping alright. He was lucky but confused. Why would Ben do this? Callum just attacked him for no reason. Ben could have gotten away with it. They had enough witnesses to confirm that it was Callum that started it which would have resulted with Callum getting suspended for a couple of weeks. He wanted to know why Ben had done it. </p><p> </p><p>They walked together out the office staying quiet as Callum looked at his watch. </p><p> </p><p>“What time is it?” Ben asked walking with a slight skip in his step as he tried to keep up with Callum’s fast pace. </p><p> </p><p>Uh just after three we missed last lesson” Callum replied trying to avoid looking at Ben again. He looked up and spotted Whitney, Jay, Lola and lee stood waiting for him. </p><p> </p><p>“Halfway! What even happened?! Did you get suspended? Did they call your dad? Are you in trouble?” Lee bombarded  Callum took a deep breath about to explain. </p><p> </p><p>“Jay!” Ben shouted excitedly  “bruv how are you?! Oh god, I missed you!” He continued as Ben and jay pulled each other into a tight embrace. Then it hit Callum. Jay had mentioned he had a ‘brother’ called Ben a few times and that he was devastated that he had to leave about six months before Callum joined. </p><p> </p><p>“Ben bloody Mitchell” Lola chipped in pointing her finger “I should of know it was you that caused innocent halfway to break! What are you doing back to muppet?” She asked joining in with the hug. </p><p> </p><p>This should be a happy moment for them but Callum just felt as lonely as ever as he watched his own little world come crashing down.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. You're Stuck With Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ben slumped against the wooden chair tapping his pen against the desk as he stared at the clock watching the hands tick by. He wondered where Callum was, maybe Callum didn’t want to sit there with him, maybe he asked to sit in a different room. He glanced quickly at Mr Andrews who sat at his desk marking papers. He was in his mid-thirties and was rather a father like he dressed in sweater vests with bright coloured ties with things such a Dinosaurs on. His face often seemed tired and work, he was an English teacher so Ben knew he’s probably been non stop the past few days with mock exams and actual exams coming up but he could tell that Mr Andrews was the kind of teacher you could probably tell anything and he wouldn’t judge. He sighed and glanced back at the clock watching the seconds tick past once again. </p><p>x</p><p>Ben and Callum bond in detention</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey! So thank you for the response I got from the first chapter I know it's not the best writing but I just had this idea stuck in my head for a while and I needed to express it I didn't actually expect to get kudos and comments so thank you again! I'm not overly sure of this chapter but it took me three days to write so I got to post it really haven't I? I know where this story is going and how it's going to end and I already have a sequel one shot in my head but I don't know how I'm going to get there so bare with!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
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<p>"Halfway" Lee softly said placing his hand on Callum's arm, "dad said you can come round for dinner". Callum pulled his focus away from Ben and looked at Lee and nods softly. He couldn't face his father or Stuart. He needed somewhere to escape. Mick and the Carters were always there for Callum. One time just before his 11th birthday Jonno had gotten drunk. Staggering home at half eleven. Callum used to this, it was habit to quickly turn off the telly and runaway up to his room where he was out of Jonno's way. But this one day he was a little bit slow turning the telly off and Jonno noticed that he was watching something on the Disney channel. Callum couldn't remember what but he could remember the way his dad threw the beer bottle at him. </p>

<p> </p>

<p><em>"You're such a faggot aren't you?" Jonno slurred. </em></p>

<p> </p>

<p>Callum wasn't even sure if he remembered if he knew what the words meant, but he remembered the fear. Stuart wasn't there to protect him. He ran, he ran out of the house, he ran as far as he could. He ended up the one place he felt safe. The Carter's pub. He banged on the door the tears starting to burn on his skin. He remembered the way Mick just opened the door. Took him upstairs to the kitchen sitting him down with a glass of water. Linda came in and sat with Callum holding his hand wiping his tears at one in the morning. Ever since then it became his safe house. Mick and Linda became his second parents. He needed that right now. He knew if he went with Whitney she would ask a million questions. He couldn't deal with that right now. He turned to face her. He realised he's been quiet for far too long. He had a habit of doing that, getting distracted by his thoughts so much he forgot the real world"</p>

<p> </p>

<p>"I'll text you later okay? Just need some thinking time" He murmured to her pressing a small kiss to her cheek. Whitney started talking but he couldn't make out the words his focus was entirely on Ben. He frowned thinking before he turned and kissed Whitney. One hand cupping her cheek the other rested on her back where her shirt was tucked in her skirt. He felt Whitney hesitate before she kissed him back. Her giggle vibrating against his lips. He pulled away when he noticed Ben's staring at them ignoring the wolf whistles from Jay and Lola. He felt his cheeks became red as he awkwardly coughed fiddling with his tie. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>"Yeah yeah text me" Whitney giggled her own blush spreading across her cheeks as she walked off with Lola waving at Callum. Ben was still staring as Callum turned and made eye contact with him. Ben averted his gaze quickly looking down at his feet. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>"Right Jay we should catch up yeah? Tell me all the dirty details of you and Lola..dirty messaging over MSN?" Ben bit his lip trying to contain his mischievous smirk as Jay let out an exasperated sigh shaking his head. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>~</p>

<p> </p>

<p>"I don't know what happened Lee" Callum sighed as they walked pulling his blazer awkwardly off his shoulder as his shirt started to stick to his sweaty skin, the sun beaming down on them and Callum was half tempted to ask Lee if they could stop at the Spar for an ice lolly. "I'm not like that...I'm not a violent person". Lee nodded along as he rolled up his shirt sleeves and undid his tie. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>"Have you and Whit had sex recently?" Lee asked casually. Callum could instantly feel the embarrassment come over him. "Maybe you're sexually frustrated you know" Callum scoffed and tried to let out a laugh but it got caught in his throat and came out all strangled. Callum didn't really enjoy or see the point of sex to the point where when he lost his virginity with Whit he went to Lee crying. They sat eating take away chips at Lee explained that's not ones first time was perfect and that he just needed to try again and Callum tried two more times and each time he felt the same, disgusted and uncomfortable. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>"Exam stress" Callum blurted out quickly desperate to end the conversation. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>"What are you worried about exams for hey?" Lee laughed shaking his head "I thought we were joining the army mate? We've had it planned since we were twelve?" He nudged Callum's shoulder softly. Lee was right one day they were sat in English together and they came up with the plan to become a part of the army and since then they have spent hours researching and training. His dad was elated when Callum told him, Stuart was too they pulled him into a hug and said how proud they were. It was the only time that he dad has said those words and it motivated Callum more to make his dad proud. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>"Back up plan" Callum spluttered slightly panicked as he tried to think of an excuse. "Can I ask you something?" He said quietly as he but down on his lip as his thoughts overwhelmed him. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>"Of course" The words slipped from Callum's lips and he wasn't even sure on what he wanted to ask and now he started to panic. Maybe he wanted to ask "if I'm sexually frustrated with whit would that explain why I got turned on when I had Ben Mitchell against the lockers?"  Or " would you hate me for being gay?" </p>

<p> </p>

<p>"You know what I've forgotten" Callum chuckles nervously focusing on trying to get his tie off.</p>

<p> </p>

<p>"Oh, Halfway what you like hey?" Lee teased as he pushed open the pub doors open "I'm proper sweaty I'll go see if I can get mum to get us some cokes from the bar" he grinned. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>~</p>

<p> </p>

<p>"Halfway sit still!" Linda nagged sitting opposite Callum in the kitchen as she pressed a damp cloth against his nose trying to get the dried blood off. Callum squirmed again mumbling about it being cold. "What were you thinking getting in a punch up on the first day back hey?" She grumbled as she started scrubbing at his lip. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>"Dad got drunk again last night" Callum mumbled before pulling away making a face at the pain in his lip and nose, "said I was a disappointment" he admitted "wanted to prove him wrong..prove that I was tough" he shrugged</p>

<p> </p>

<p>"So you thought you get into an Argy Bargy with Phil Mitchell's son then lad?" Mick butted in as he stood leant against the counter arm crossed "I know we call you halfway but even I thought you weren't that stupid". </p>

<p> </p>

<p>"Phil Mitchell?" Callum questioned looking between Linda and Mick sensing the tension that filled the air quickly and uncomfortably. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>"He owns the garage and the car lot darling...he dated Shirley a while back that's all don't worry about it" She softy pinching Callum's cheek "chicken pasta for tea your favourite," she said as she kissed his cheek. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>"Oi halfwit" Shirley interjected before Callum could reply "heard there's hope for you after all" she sneered at him ruffling his hair. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>~ </p>

<p>Callum caught the packet of salt and vinegar crisps that Lee has thrown at him before he landed on the sofa next to him grabbing the Xbox controller. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>"Black-Ops zombies again?" Lee asked grinning "or are you still sulking at the fact you died after level 3?" He ridiculed as he set it up Callum fiddling with the controller as he waited. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>"Mick should let him stay the night!" They heard Linda argue "I don't like him home to him". Callum frowned as they both stayed still trying to listen to the argument. "I don't want him getting himself in more trouble and dragging Lee down with him!"  </p>

<p> </p>

<p>"I think I'm gonna go home and go on Stu's computer and email whit" Callum mumbled trying to think of a good excuse to leave. He knew the Carters meant well they always do, but Callum couldn't help feeling like a burden "maybe what you said earlier was right..you know the s-sexual thing" he spluttered turning red once again. Lee raises an eyebrow nodding.</p>

<p> </p>

<p>"Yeah okay mate..but wait does Stuart not see all the saucy emails you send?" Lee asked biting the inside of his cheek as he tried not to laugh.</p>

<p> </p>

<p>"No I have my own Hotmail account don't I?" Callum responded as he stood up brushing off his trousers.  The truth was he wasn't going to go home and email Whit. He was going to go home and throw on a hoodie and tracksuit bottoms and run. Running was a way to mask the panic breathlessness with being actually out of breath. Maybe he would see if he could borrow Stuart's MP3 player, not that he was really into listening to bad quality Oasis songs that his brother has probably gotten from some shifty download on eBay, but the noise would distract him the thoughts that disgusted him, the thoughts that if anyone knew he had they would be disgusted too. Or they would silence the more panicked thoughts, the thought of the Carters all secretly hating him or the thought that Jay found him irritating. Those thoughts would make his headache and hands shake. He could feel himself slipping into one of those trains of thoughts and he was just too exhausted to put up with it he needed a distraction. He took up running the same sort of time to when he first started dating Whitney. He never told anyone that the real reason he started running was so he had an excuse not to talk to her. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>~ </p>

<p>Callum focused on the feeling of his feet hitting the ground as he ran, he focused on the black cheap second-hand trainers with tape holding the soles together. He focused on the ache in his thighs as he kept running, he focused on the way his head pounded with each step as he lung begged him to stop and take a breath. But he knew if he did stop the thoughts would flood back and the tears were already dangerously close to spilling out rolling down his cheek onto the floor. He couldn't cry, crying made him weak and he wasn't weak. If he was going to become a soldier he couldn't be weak, he couldn't let his grandad down.  </p>

<p> </p>

<p>"Don't fucking stop" he muttered to himself through gritted teeth as he felt the exhaustion build, he felt his head throb and legs shake as he kept trying to push himself. He was so wound up tonight, He knew he was reaching his limit, he knew that if he wasn't careful he would go too far and end up hurting himself, but the thought of stopping and losing his focus letting the thoughts wander back in scared him more then a pulled hamstring. Maybe he needed the pain to distract him, maybe he deserved the pain. The way Ben made him feel earlier was disgusting, maybe this was the punishment he deserved this. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>He felt his phone buzz and sighed as he came to a stop leaning against a tree trying to catch his breath his chest heaving, the sweat burning against his skin as he tried to focus on the words that blurred on the screen.</p>

<p> </p>

<p>{unknown number} Hi so jay gave me ur number as I wanna apologise for earlier XD </p>

<p> </p>

<p>{unknown number} It's Ben btw :p</p>

<p> </p>

<p>Callum frowned his breathing starting to calm as he pushed his hair away from his face cringing at how sweaty it was as he read the text. He took a sip from his water bottle trying to soothe the burn in the back of his throat. He started to type his response back frowning getting frustrated when it took him five attempts to get O his fingers a bit big and sweaty for the buttons. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>~</p>

<p>Ben sat on his bed at his dad's his lip between his teeth as he read the message Callum sent him. This wasn't like him, to become obsessed with a boy he had a brief encounter with but when Callum pushed him against the locker he was instantly intrigued. He wasn't good at this, the feelings, the communicating. Most gay guys would play it subtle when trying to figure out if the other man was gay but no Ben had to provoke him. It worked though, the way Callum's face dropped as he stepped away confirmed everything Ben hoped. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>{Callum} u shouldn't b sorry it was my fault ;) </p>

<p> </p>

<p>Ben smiled softly as he took a deep breath trying to ignore his dad shouting at Sharon about something to do with the business. It was times like this he wished he stayed at his mum's more often but she lived with Ian and the house was too crowded with Bobby's toys everywhere and Lucy and Peter bickering and whatever woman Ian had tricked into sleeping with him. Here it was just him, his dad, Sharon, the baby Denis and every other weekend, Louise. Phil's house was bigger too so he had his own room and he did stay with his mum some weekends so it wasn't like he was stuck here. He tapped his fingertips against the keyboard as he tried to block out some of them shouting.  </p>

<p> </p>

<p>{Ben} sorry about saying you was gay too </p>

<p> </p>

<p>Ben hesitated for a moment before sending another message not wanting this interaction to be over just yet. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>{Ben} ur stuck with me in detention all week so might as well be friends? :) </p>

<p> </p>

<p>He shut his eyes rubbing his forehead trying to think on what to do. He hadn't stopped thinking about Callum since he came home from school. He's certain that Callum was just like him and he was intrigued, maybe it was for his own selfish want or maybe he felt sorry for Callum. He knew what it was like in the closet and the anxiety and loneliness that came with it. He knew that if his dad was to find out he would be written out the will and family instantly.  </p>

<p> </p>

<p>{Callum} Friends ;) </p>

<p> </p>

<p>Ben felt his heart race as he reread the text a few more times. This was stupid, he didn't know Callum. It was probably because he was lonely that was all. He rubbed his face harshly as he tried to get rid of the feelings. He sat up plugging his phone onto charge having not done so for the last three days and made his way downstairs to the war zone that was Phil and Sharon. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>~ </p>

<p> </p>

<p>Callum was at school early, he couldn't sleep last night, every time he closed his eyes all he could think about was Ben's blue eyes, he felt disgusted with himself. He even called Whitney thinking about what Lee said about being sexually frustrated. He tried to get the conversation heated, he tried closing his eyes imaging Whit with him as she spoke softly with soft giggles and moans down the phone to him but he ended up just faking what was meant to happen before hanging up and crying into his pillow the sick feeling twisting in his stomach. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>"Alright mate?" Jay asked placing his hand on Callum's arm quickly tugging Callum out of his daydream back into the real world. "You been here long?" He asked watching him with a raised eyebrow. Callum looked down before looking back up shaking his head.</p>

<p> </p>

<p>"Nah only a few minutes" <em>Forty-five to be exact</em>. He gave Jay a small smile. He could feel his chest tighten and his hands begin to sweat as he fiddled awkwardly with his tie. Jay opened his mouth before shutting it quickly looking at Callum shaking his head.  They stayed quiet for a moment Jay's hand still resting on Callum's arm. It was comforting for Callum. It felt like someone was telling him it was all going to be okay. He tools a deep breath and nodded slowly as he felt the calmness settle his nerves. He smiled softly and looked back up at Jay. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>"Lola's got the house to her self in a few weeks time so she's throwing a party," Jay said as he removed his hand "You and Whit are coming Mate” Jay demanded, pointing at him with a grin. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>"Yeah yeah that sounds quite fun actually" Callum smiled genuinely, maybe that was the probably. He couldn't remember the last time he had genuine fun but he guessed that's what happens when you isolate yourself from everyone. This is what he needed. a night where he could just enjoy some time with his friends and his girlfriend, a chance to forget about exams, his dad and everything else that was weighing him down. It could also me and chance for him to reconnect with Whitney, to get back on track. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>"Morning lads!" Callum turned and saw Ben skipping down the corridor a coffee cup in his hand. Callum took a deep breath as he took a moment to looked at him. His hair was styled neatly with gel, he had shaved since yesterday and his face looked young and soft. Under his left eye was a small bruise, it was barely noticeable and from a distance, you would probably think it was just bags under his eye. Callum felt his cheek get hot again and looked down quickly shaking his head trying not to think about how the dark blue tie and blazer brought out the soft ocean blue of Ben eyes and not how the way he took his lip between his teeth smugly lifting his head up slightly made Callum feel slightly weak at the knees.   </p>

<p> </p>

<p>"Alright?" Callum tried to ask casually but it came out high pitched. He watches as Ben nodded sipping his coffee shaking the nearly full coffee cup before throwing it in the bin "how much of that did you drink?" Callum asked with a small chuckle trying to ignore how shy he was feeling knowing he couldn't let Jay notice him getting so worked up from a lip bite. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>"About Two sips" Ben shrugged a cheeky smirk pulling at his lips "don't need it tho, do I? I'm filled with natural energy" he winked. Callum felt dumbfounded for a moment trying to stop his legs from shaking with the wink. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>"That's wasteful.. there are children starving in Africa that would have killed for that coffee" Callum pointed at Ben the confidence slowly rebuilding giving Ben a small teasing grin. He watched as Ben stared at him a small confused frown as if he was trying to figure out if he was joking or not. The frown switched to a small open smile as Ben nodded.</p>

<p> </p>

<p>"Right..I'm pretty sure you're not meant to give children coffee mate" he laughed shaking his head "you really are something else aren't you Callum?".</p>

<p> </p>

<p>"That's why we call him Halfway, neither here or there" Jay chipped in patting Callum on the shoulder ruffling his hair. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>~ </p>

<p>Ben felt a twinge of jealousy as he watched Whitney walk straight up to Callum and pressed a small kiss to his lips. He tried to tell himself that he was being ridiculous. That Callum wasn't his just because they shared some hardcore eye contact when Callum was in the middle of trying to knock his lights and a few texts. He barely knew the guy, less than twenty-four hours he's known him yet he already felt bonded to him. He watched as Whitney stroked Callum's cheek and whispered about how much she loved last night. He wanted to ask what last night was but he was worried if he did he would be upset and rejected. He watched the blush flood Callum's cheek and neck as he smiled, his smile was goofy but soft and it made Ben smile. This was ridiculous, maybe he was feeling homesick from South Africa and lonely without his mum. </p>

<p>He rubbed his face sighing as he turned and made his way to class and started counting down the minutes to the detention he would share with Callum. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>~</p>

<p> </p>

<p>Ben slumped against the wooden chair tapping his pen against the desk as he stared at the clock watching the hands tick by. He wondered where Callum was, maybe Callum didn’t want to sit there with him, maybe he asked to sit in a different room. He glanced quickly at Mr Andrews who sat at his desk marking papers. He was in his mid-thirties and was rather a father like he dressed in sweater vests with bright coloured ties with things such a Dinosaurs on. His face often seemed tired and work, he was an English teacher so Ben knew he’s probably been non stop the past few days with mock exams and actual exams coming up but he could tell that Mr Andrews was the kind of teacher you could probably tell anything and he wouldn’t judge. He sighed and glanced back at the clock watching the seconds tick past once again. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>Thirty seconds later Callum came stumbling through the door awkwardly trying to keep himself upright as he gave a small apologetic smile to Mr Andrews.</p>

<p> </p>

<p>“Sorry Sorry came out of maths late” Callum spluttered our of breath as if he ran to detention as he went and sat next to Ben “Algebra and whatnot” he added before pressing his lip shut. Ben couldn’t help smile at him before watching Mr Andrews glance at his watch. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>“You’re not even late Halfway you’re three minutes early” The man chuckles as he stood up. Halfway. Ben thought it seemed a bit mean earlier when Jay called Callum that and watching a teacher call him it made him feel worse. He watched as Callum dipped his head and nodded slowly keeping his lips pressed shut. “Right boys I’m gonna go grab some lunch I trust you not to move, I won’t be more than ten minutes”. Ben waited for Mr Andrews to leave the room before turning to Callum. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>“You don’t like being called halfway, do you? Even though everyone calls you it” Ben said clearly as he leaned, elbows resting in his legs to watch Callum’s reaction. He watched as Callum tried to laugh it off before he slowly shook his head. “The same way you don’t like kissing your girlfriend” Ben instantly cringed when he realised what he said, he couldn’t say one nice thing without contradicting it with a jab. He frowned when Callum sighed as his shoulder tensed up. He should have apologised but he just sat there watching him one eyebrow raised. Callum sighed letting his shoulders relax before nodding his head looking at Ben chewing his lip. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>“But I love her and when you love a girl you gotta kiss her” Callum shrugged as he began scribbling doodles on the desk avoiding any eye contact with Ben. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>“I love Lola..doesn’t mean I got to snog her every time I see her” Ben laughed shaking his head “but I guess the rules are different when you’re gay though?” Ben asked holding his head up high trying to seem confident and not slightly panicked he told someone he knew for around twenty-four hours something he’s only told, Jay and Lola. Callum put down his pen and looked at Ben. His face looked tense as he stayed silent for a moment as if his brain was trying to figure out how to respond. “Although I love jay too and I don’t want to snog him” he added when the silence becoming unbearable. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>“Why are you so bothered about me and who I want to kiss hey?! What’s it to you?” Callum asked raising his voice slightly. Ben’s face softened as he watched Callum sigh into his hand. He noticed the tears starting to fill Callum’s eyes. He noticed that way that Callum tapped his foot against the floor as if he was questioning rather or not to leave. If they weren’t in detention he probably would of. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>“I’m sorry, you just seem like you’re hurting” Ben softly murmured as he leans slightly closer to Callum. “I know what it’s like” he added brushing his fingertips against Callum’s cheek. The contact burned his fingertips in the most exciting way, he could have sworn that Callum leant into the contact smiling softly before quickly pulling his head away. His cheeked blushed a soft red as he shook his head. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>“You said you use to come here didn’t you?” Callum said out of nowhere. The blush went as quickly as it came and now he was looking at Ben with a genuine goofy smile and a small twinkle in his eyes. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>“Yeah yeah, I left end of year nine to move to South Africa with me mum” Ben answered still trying to ignore what touching Callum’s cheek has done to him. “Dad got himself in a bit of trouble drugs and drink, my parents are separated, so mum thought it would be best if we left for a new start”. He hadn’t even told Jay what happened with his dad and yet here he was with a stranger opening up to him. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>“What brought you back here then?” Callum asked watching Ben softly giving a small supportive smile. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>“Uh, my dad got himself clean with a new wife and a new kid in tow and tracked us down and convinced Mum to come back to Walford..been back since July”. Ben couldn’t help but frown as he explained. It hurt when his dad introduced him to Denis. He was six years old and Sharon’s son from a previous relationship but to Phil, he had more rights then Ben ever did. He became the son he’s always wanted instead of the disappointment that was Ben, but yet he still thought he owned him and had control over him so he ended back in grey England stuck with his dad. “Spent most of the summer redecorating my room which was cool,” he said chewing his lip nervously. He watched as Callum just nodded along letting Ben talk. Ben felt open and exposed, he panicked that Callum would dig deeper and he would let him. “What did you do over summer?” Ben quickly stuttered out rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>“I revised” Callum spoke slowly as if he was struggling to think what to say “and uh volunteered at the old’s people home” He let out a small laugh. Ben raised an eyebrow as he heard him. He thought maybe he would have done something a bit interesting. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>“An old’s people home?” He laughed shaking his head “any reason why? Do ya get a bit stiff at the old ladies playing bingo?” Ben teased.</p>

<p> </p>

<p>“It was an excuse to avoid Whit” Callum opened up laughing at how pathetic it actually was. “I said I needed to do it for an army thing, complete bollocks I just didn’t  want to spend my summer with her, is that bad?” He asked looking at Ben. He was still genuinely smiling, Ben was certain this was the first time he saw Callum’s genuine smile for this long. He looked relaxed too, his shoulders weren’t tense and he wasn’t fiddling with anything. Ben noticed that all the times he’s seen Callum he was fiddling with either his tie or the strap of his bag, he was sure it was a sign of anxiety and the fact Callum wasn’t appearing anxious right now made Ben proud and happy like he did this. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>“A little bit” He finally responded knowing he couldn’t say anything and gaze into his eyes, that would be a bit weird even for Ben. “But I mean you do you” he shrugs grinning at him. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>“My grandad lived there before he died too, so it’s comforting you know and sometimes Jan, whose like 80 always complaining her son never sees her, gives me toffees so it’s not that bad” Callum rambled hands waving about as he talked, something Ben found adorable.  Callum wasn’t ready to tell Ben the other reason why he went. </p>

<p>~</p>

<p>They continued talking, not even paying attention to the fact Mr Andrews was gone a lot longer than the promised ten minutes. They talked about their dreams, Callum told Ben about how he wanted to join the army and Ben told Callum how he would love to get into Westend or Broadway buy he saw himself probably ending up stuck in his dad business. Ben felt on top of the world, he told Callum about how he missed the views he would get in South Africa at sunset and Callum told Ben stories of the old people or something stupid Jay has done at a party or in a lesson. Ben felt like he was floating. He felt safe with Callum and it made him more intrigued by the tallboy sat next to hi, shoulders nearly touching </p>

<p> </p>

<p>“Sorry sorry boys, had to break up a year nine-fight” Mr Andrews rushed in “two girls over My space” he chuckled shaking his head before looking at the clock before looking back at Ben and Callum “I’m actually surprised you’re both still here” he chuckled awkwardly. “But thank you..lunch is over now so off you go and I’ll see you same time tomorrow” he chuckled. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>Ben stood up trying to ignore the disappointment he was feeling as he and Callum grabbed their bags. He wanted to stay, he wanted to find more about Callum and watch his eyes light up when he thought of something interesting. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>“Oh, Callum our catch up tomorrow? Shall I pull you out of English?” Mr Andrews asked and Callum just nodded shyly before following Ben out into the hall. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>“What have you got next?” Ben asked a small part of him hoping that they would share science together. He didn’t want to leave his side just yet. </p>

<p> </p>

<p>“Science with uh Mrs July” Callum said pulling out a small tattered piece of paper and when Ben glanced closer he saw it was his timetable with doodles drawn all over it. He couldn’t help smile at the disorganisation of it. He got out his time table and grinned when he saw he had the exact same lesson.</p>

<p> </p>

<p>“Looks like you’re stuck with me then loverboy” </p>
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. I'm glad you're here</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Callum loved days like these, a dark overcast covered the sky. Each cloud had a different shade of grey, the light dusty contrasted with the deeper, heavier dark grey.  The wind was cold and harsh against his skin, the leaves were starting to fall from the trees and were dancing against the wind. Callum loves days like this, for him, it was calming. For the first time in months he felt calm, he wasn't filled with anxiety and his chest wasn't heavy with dread, he was even excited about Lola's party. Yeah, Callum loves days like these. </p><p>x<br/>Or the party</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <em>3 weeks later </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Callum loved days like these, a dark overcast covered the sky. Each cloud had a different shade of grey, the light dusty contrasted with the deeper, heavier dark grey.  The wind was cold and harsh against his skin, the leaves were starting to fall from the trees and were dancing against the wind. Callum loves days like this, for him, it was calming. For the first time in months he felt calm, he wasn't filled with anxiety and his chest wasn't heavy with dread, he was even excited about Lola's party. Yeah, Callum loves days like these. </p><p> </p><p>He couldn't help but smile to himself as he walked through the gates, the last few weeks have been good. Even if one of the weeks he spent his lunches in detention, not that he would tell anyone but he was gutted at the end of Friday's lunch. He enjoyed spending the time with Ben, not that it meant anything, he just enjoyed having a friend. A friend is what he needed, he never really had a proper 'friend' friend, he had jay and Lola, but they were Whitney's friends. Lee and Nancy are more like siblings than friends. </p><p> </p><p>Being around Ben made Callum feel more confident, he started joining in with the jokes at the lunch table, he also started paying attention to Whit more, he called her most nights after his run, he was also on MSN talking to Ben at the same time, not that he would tell her that. The thing is in detention in those ten minutes where Mr Andrews left them to get his lunch they talked about everything. Ben knew things about Callum that one else does and Callum learned stuff about Ben that not even Jay and Lola knew. It was special, Callum never felt like he could be honest and open to anyone but yet here Ben was, pulling his secrets out of him like a magnet, all Ben has to do was look at Callum with his soft eyes and the secrets came spilling out, he was open and now they were bonded by their secrets. Callum did also enjoy their science lessons together, in fact, he's been counting down the hours since he woke up this morning until lesson four, but they were surrounded by other people and constantly interrupted by the teacher, not that it was bad they were being interrupted the teacher did have a class to teach and Callum really didn't mind, but he did miss the freedom those ten minutes in detention. </p><p> </p><p>He smiled to himself, sometimes he had to remind himself that he couldn’t smile every time he thought of Ben or otherwise he looked like a smiley mentally ill patient. He shook his head trying to shake Ben from his mind as he saw Whit, skirt rolled up and shirt untucked standing there with a full face of makeup, Callum couldn’t help but wonder if it was too hot for that as he walked over to her wrapping his arm around her shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi" Callum whispered softly as he left a soft kiss on her cheek. Whitney turned and smiled a small blush creeping onto her cheeks. “You look pretty today..” he whispered in her ear softly kissing the side of her head. </p><p> </p><p>"What's got into you?" She giggled pressing a hand to his chest. Callum looked down at her smiling the idea forming in his head. </p><p> </p><p>"Hey, why don't I tomorrow before the party take you out and treat you to a nice outfit?" Callum said before glancing at Ben, who was making them way over to him trying to resist the urge to smile more. “Got some pocket money haven’t I? Why not treat my girl”</p><p> </p><p>"What are you trying to hide them mate?" Jay teased. Callum let out a small laugh trying to hide the fact that was he was doing, trying to hide the fact he was more interested in Ben then her and the guilt was starting to slowly destroy him. </p><p>~ </p><p>Callum walked into science with a grin on his face, he went and set in the spot him and Ben always did, in the back, but not too far back it looked suspicious. On there, first lesson Callum acted annoyed that Ben came and set next to him, joked that he was a like a rash that he couldn't get rid off, but since he was experiencing withdrawal from detention he didn't want to get rid, it was stupid, he sounded like a drug addict comparing weed to crack. </p><p> </p><p>"Alright soldier boy?" Ben quipped, his smile was contagious, his good mood was too. Whenever Callum was near him he felt better, he felt like he could join in with the joke. Something Jay was always teasing him about him, but now Callum felt confidence joining in with the banter. He sat next to Ben nudging his shoulder playfully.  They pulled their green science books out. "You going to Lol's party tomorrow?" Ben whispered as Mrs July started the class talking about atoms. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, Whitt's making me go and like I have kind of been avoiding her so" Callum laughed softly his voice a whisper as he scribbled down the notes "you?". Callum was trying not to get his hopes up, but maybe Ben being there is what he needed to make tomorrow night bearable. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, course I am!" Ben had actually told Jay he wasn't going to bother, why would he? Sure it was an excuse for him to drink, but he just couldn't face small talk being the new kid once again but now Callum was going, he wanted to go. Callum began to smile once again, it was like he was unable to stop. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm glad you're going," Callum couldn't stop the words tumbling from his lips. "I mean- uh- it'll be nice to spend time with you outside of school, learn all your secrets" </p><p> </p><p>"I'm glad you're going too," Ben said honestly, turning and giving him a genuine smile. The smile that Callum was growing to love, the smile that made him feel warm and soft like a sunset. </p><p> </p><p>"Halfway! Mitchell! Would you like to share with the class what you find so interesting?!" Mrs July bellowed across the class making both Ben and Callum flinch. Mrs July was old, her hair was jet black but her grey roots made her look like a badger, her face was old and she looked like a stereotypical teacher, she was strict and often told the class she didn't care about there GCSE results because she was retiring next year. </p><p> </p><p>"We were just talking about how interesting it is that there are the same numbers of protons and neutrons in an Atom, but I guess it isn't really that interesting because it's why they have no charge, and when an atom because an ION they gain or lose a proton and that's why they have a charge" Callum responded his hands waving about as he talked. Mrs July actually smiled at him, it was a rare sight. </p><p> </p><p>"Very good Halfway, I'm impressed for once" Mrs July responded before turning her attention back to the board. </p><p> </p><p>"How did you know that?" Ben whispered to Callum. </p><p> </p><p>"I've been revising all summer" Callum replied shrugging as he continued his work, Ben looked over his shoulder and raised an eyebrow when he noticed that he was doing actual work. “Avoiding whit” he muttered jokingly expecting Ben to laugh but Ben just looked up at him biting his lip trying to contain his smile.</p><p> </p><p>"You should put your hand up more, it seems like all that revision has been paying off" Ben whispered nudging his shoulder against Callum's before leaning over and copying his answers. </p><p> </p><p>"People think I'm too stupid so they won't take me seriously" Callum mumbled as he moves his book over so Ben has a better view. </p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>Callum walked to Lola's hand in hand with Whitney, the sun was just setting creating an orange glow, It brought out the colour of Whitney's eyes and her makeup. She wore a pair of dark denim shorts and a new cropped top that was covered in glitter that Callum had brought her from Next. She didn't really look pretty tonight. </p><p> </p><p>He held a bottle of vodka in his other hand that he managed to bribe Stuart to get him. Callum felt positive and confident, even if most of it was because he knew he was going to see Ben tonight. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm glad you're back to being you" Whitney mumbled squeezing his hand softly. Callum looked at her a little dumbfounded. </p><p> </p><p>"What ya mean?" He asked the panic starting to build up again, had she noticed that he was hiding something, maybe he was spending a bit too much time with Ben, maybe she found out he was gay, his brain went into hyper-speed as it started to overreact. </p><p> </p><p>"You seemed so out of it the last few months, it's nice to see you happy again," Whitney said softly as she stops turning to face him stroking his cheek, "I thought maybe there was something wrong, but now you seem happy again, it's nice, we actually spend time together". Callum couldn't help but smile looking at his feet before smiling back at her. </p><p> </p><p>"I guess I just was struggling with dad and exams" Callum shrugged kissing her softly "been spending more time with Mick instead of Dad it's been good," Lying was slowly becoming second nature to Callum, he hadn't seen Mick since he sat in his kitchen with a bloody nose. Lee had tried to get him to come round but Callum would just panic and say he had too much homework to do, or that 'dad is actually being nice for once think he's off the booze for good this time". His dad wasn't off the booze, but whenever Jonno came home drunk Callum would get his running shoes on and slip out the house, even if it was 1 am. </p><p> </p><p>"Come on then you" Whitney smiled taking Callum's hand once again as she dragged him inside the house both of them laughing softly. The music was loud and Callum felt the vibrations pulse through his body. Most of the year group was here but he didn't care about them, he looked around hoping to find the one person he wanted to see. Ben. He was stood there chatting to Lola laughing softly, he wore a black leather jacket with blue skinny jeans, his hair was gelled they air began to get caught in Callum's throat. </p><p> </p><p>"Let's go say hi to Lola yeah?" Callum asked loudly trying to be heard over dizzy rascal as him and Whit made their way over to Ben and Lola. Ben couldn't help but smile slightly excited to see Ben, he missed their detentions if he was being honest, not it was weird, he just missed having a mate. </p><p> </p><p>"Callum!" Ben slurred a drunken grin on his face "I'm gonna get you a drink,  you need a drink" he shouted pressing his hand against's Callum's chest giving a small fake smile to Whitney before wandering off. Whitney's face was like thunder, Callum couldn't help but sense the tension between the both of them.</p><p> </p><p>"Ignore him he's been on vodka" Lola giggled alcohol clear on her breath too "oh whit I love your top" She giggled once again pulling Whitney into a hug. </p><p> </p><p>"Callum got it for me, romantic ain't he?" Whit smiled genuinely as she was pulled into the hug. She pulled away before taking the bottle out of Callum's hand unscrewing the lid taking a swing. She pulled a face which Callum couldn't help find adorable "babe I'm gonna go say hi to Chantelle okay? I'll be back in a minute". Callum nodded trying to ignore the feeling of anxiety building up in his stomach as he watched her go. </p><p> </p><p>"Here you go Cal" Ben slurred loudly holding a can of cheap ASDA smart price lager to him. The anxiety went as quickly as it came as he took the drink.</p><p> </p><p>"Cal? That's new" He asked raising an eyebrow with a small smirk taking a sip from his drink. Being around Ben brought out Callum's confidence, he could join in with the jokes, he let his voice be heard and Callum was enjoying it. "Want me to call you Be?" </p><p> </p><p>"I've missed you" Ben murmured looking up at Callum his eyes soft in the light, Callum could barely hear him over the music but he felt a wave of affection wash over him. </p><p> </p><p>"We have science together you mug," Callum said trying to sound confident but it came out more of a whisper.  He watched as Ben crooked his head to the side focusing on Callum's lip. "We literally had a lesson on Friday..atoms". </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah but we're surrounded but people, in detention it was just you and me, it was nice" He mumbled looking up at him, his eyes looked sad, Callum just put it down to the booze but he couldn't help but feel special. "I can't hear you very well, the garden?" Ben asked gesturing to his hearing aid. Callum nodded unable to hide the smile as he followed Ben into the garden. There was no one else there it was just Callum and Ben, Callum felt his cheeks burn in contrasting against the cold wind, it was nighttime now and the moon was bright, Callum couldn't help but look at Ben and Ben couldn't help but look at Callum, Ben was fascinated but the way Callum's eyes twinkled in the light.  </p><p> </p><p>"You look pretty tonight" Ben mumbled as he took another sip of vodka. Callum couldn't help but blush, trying to hide the smile. </p><p> </p><p>"Ben you're drunk," He chuckled softly, "don't be stupid" He responded finishing his drink off enjoying the buzz and confidence the drink was giving him. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm not being stupid!" Ben argued sighing as he felt himself getting frustrated. Callum stayed quiet looking at him carefully, he fiddled with the ring on the can. </p><p> </p><p>"I need to get back to Whit, she'll be wondering where I've got to" Callum mumbled all confidence slowly washing away from him. </p><p> </p><p>"Course you do" He heard Ben mutter under his breath. Callum looked back up at Ben, he fiddled with the zip on the jacket "why are you even with her?!" Ben shouted causing Callum to flinch. </p><p> </p><p>"Because I love her" Callum could barely get his voice louder than a whisper. He heart was racing as he watched Ben shake his head. </p><p> </p><p>"You're gay Callum!" Callum couldn't help but shake his head tears starting to roll down his cheek, it was all starting to get too much, the music, the people, Ben. He felt panicked, his muscles felt tight, he wanted to run, to hide but he couldn't he just stood there staring into Ben's eyes. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm not, I'm nothing like that!" He stuttered breaking the eye contact, he wasn't stupid, he knew he was, the fact that he has only known Ben for three weeks but he had more effect on Callum then Whitney has in the past six months, no matter how far he pushed it down he couldn't hide from it. It was always there, waiting, waiting to erupt. He knew that he only got with Whitney to make Stuart happy, to stop his dad trying to beat the gay out of him, to hide the real him from the world. </p><p> </p><p>"You can't even say the word, Callum!" Ben shook his head in disbelief "are you really going to stand there and tell me you love Whitney when you're here with me instead of her". Callum knew that Ben was drunk and frustrated, he knew he just couldn't shake it off. He stayed quiet letting the tears roll down his cheek "so what? You're gonna tell me you like blokes? And girls? Is that why they call you halfway?!" Ben was full-on shouting now and Callum couldn't push the fear of someone hearing so he just stood there shaking his head, his eyes pleading with Ben's.  "No no what you're just stupid aren't you? Poor halfway even his own teachers think he's too stupid" Ben viscously spat at Callum. The words stabbed at Callum, he let the hurt wash over him. "So bloody stupid" he mutters. Callum told Ben that he hated that everyone thought he was stupid, that every time that he was called halfway his heart broke a bit, and now Ben was stood here saying that, it hurt more than it probably should. Callum felt rejected and alone. </p><p> </p><p>"I came here tonight to see you because I missed you too," Callum said his voice coming out broken, his whole body feeling broken. He shook his head as he wiped the tears storming back in the house, the music was more overwhelming then it was before. His head throbbed as his chest became right, he felt hot and dizzy and surrounded. So he did what he did best, he ran, he shoved past and headed to the door. He started running once he felt the cool wind on his hot face. The moonlight wasn't beautiful anymore, it felt cruel and mocking. </p><p> </p><p>Callum kept running until he ended up home, he ran up the stairs, the house was empty and quiet but the silence burned against his ears. He threw himself on the bed letting the sobs explode from his chest. His body was on fire with panic, he was exhausted, exhausted from hiding, from running. He let himself shout and sob as he pulled at his hair, he threw his pillows and punched the wall, letting the pain in letting it distract him from his sobs. He finally cried to self to sleep, throat sore, knuckles bloody and chest tight. </p><p> </p><p>~ </p><p>Callum woke the next morning the pain in his head and knuckles throbbing as he sat himself up, he picked up his blackberry reading the texts. </p><p> </p><p>{Whitney} chllam wheee are u?? ~ 11:13 pm </p><p> </p><p>{Whitney} bIt DEunk miss u~ 00:52 am </p><p> </p><p>{Whitney} hi it's Chantelle, Whitney wanted me to let you know she's staying the night at Lola's and that she misses you and isn't mad that you left, she knows you don't like parties :) ~ 2:16 am </p><p> </p><p>{Ben} ~ I'm sorry, I'm not going to out you ~ 9:37 pm </p><p> </p><p>{Ben}~ I'm a dickhead I've had a bit to drink I know, you're not stupid ~ 9:46 pm </p><p> </p><p>{Ben} - I can't find you, hope you didn't go home, but if you did hope you got home safely x ~ 9:54 pm </p><p> </p><p>{Ben} ~ I'm off home, sorry about tonight, I'm a jealous prick I'm so so sorry, friends? :) ~ 10:18 pm </p><p> </p><p>{Ben}- I'm home safe, hope you are too x - 10:41 pm </p><p> </p><p>{Ben}- Morning, can we talk? ~ 8:12 am </p><p> </p><p>Callum sighed glancing at the clock, 8:34 am, he should probably message Ben back, but he just couldn't face him right now. The words that Ben said last night were still raw in Callum's mind, they played as a broken recorded. He scrolled through his contracts hoovering over Ben's name for a moment before shaking his head scrolling down to Whitney's name pressing the call button. He listened to the dial and ring chewing his lip nervously. </p><p> </p><p>"Whit?" Callum spoke softly into the phone, his voice felt raw and burned against his throat. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi, Callum! It's Chantelle, I'm just getting Whit for you now, she's out in the garden just didn't want her to miss your call" Chantelle's voice was soft and gentle, Callum didn't really know we that well, but he knew that Whitney adored her and that she was dating Gray the head-boy, "did you get my text?" </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah yeah I did, thank you," Callum said politely still chewing his lip nervously just wanting to speak with to Whitney, he heard mumbling on the other line and let out a sigh of relief when he heard Whitney's voice. </p><p> </p><p>"Hey, babe! You okay? Did you get home last night?". Her voice sounded a little worse for wear but she still sounded cheery.  </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah yeah I did, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for just ditching you," Callum said trying his best to sound cheery but the tears began stinging his eyes once again "I had a panic attack.." he mumbled quietly holding on the phone tightly. </p><p> </p><p>"I know you did!" Whitney spoke softly "it's fine just as long as you're safe and okay, I know you don't like parties, I'm actually surprised you came...anyway I got to go my phones about to die and I got to call Bianca before it does," she says softly "love ya!" </p><p> </p><p>"Love you too" Callum mumbles wiping his eyes as he heard the call be cut. He stared at bens text one more time before chucking his phone on his bed walking out of his room. </p><p> </p><p>~ </p><p>Callum spent most of the day in bed ignoring all the messages Ben sent to him, he knew it probably seemed like he was overacting, his dad often said that he was sensitive but he honestly felt hurt, it was painful, his eyes stung and he's knuckles ached. But he couldn't stand the self-pity party anymore so he pulled out his running kit and quickly put it on. He sighed as he felt his phone buzz grabbing it from the bedside table. </p><p> </p><p>{Ben} pls can we talk, I can't stand this, I know I've messed up I'm sorry x</p><p> </p><p>{Callum} off on a run. </p><p> </p><p>{Ben} can I come? x</p><p> </p><p>Callum read the message as he bit the inside of his cheek, he took a deep breath as he started to type back his reply. </p><p> </p><p>{Callum}~ ok, meet you by the park?  </p><p> </p><p>{Ben}- okay x </p><p> </p><p>Callum scrabbled around his room grabbing his shoes having found some motivation now he knows Ben was going. He practically ran downstairs almost tripping over his feet as he shoved his phone in his hoodie pocket. </p><p> </p><p>"You off somewhere bruv?" Stuart was sat in the armchair, beer in hand as he watched some car show. Callum fiddled with the laces on his shoes. </p><p> </p><p>"Run" He mumbled, he felt uncomfortable around Stuart, he felt like he was letting him down by going on a run with a boy, a boy that he was attracted t0. "Sorry getting myself ready for my army assessment!" Callum was forcing the cheer into his voice. As he sat on the white, well it was white but now it was covered in stains, spaghetti or footprints from Stuart's work boots, sofa pulling his shoes on. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm actually so proud of you bruv, my little brother training to be a hero, with a stunning bird on his arms, you're living the dream, aren't you? Whits a lucky girl" Stuart muttered eyes still glued on the screen Callum was glad he couldn't see the frown on his face.</p><p> </p><p>"Dad out tonight?" He asked desperate to change the subject as he stood up biting his lip with nerves once again. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah pub, lost yet another job" Stuart sighed as he glanced over to Callum "best to stay out his way bruh". Callum nodded quickly as he made he was to the door. </p><p> </p><p>The walk to the park only took five minutes and by the time he got there, Ben was too. He stood leaning against the tree, he wore a plain black t-shirt that was a bit too big for him and baggy grey shorts. His hair was lacking gel and it flopped against his forehead. Callum couldn't help but feel himself become hot, he tried to resist the urge to stare at his shorts.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey" Ben smiled unsure of himself, he chewed his thumbnail as he looked over Callum. Callum felt his cheeks burn more as Ben continued staring at Callum, mouth slightly open. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi" Callum's voice was quiet and the words were stuttered. "I like your -um-shorts" he stuttered internally kicking himself when he realised what he said. </p><p> </p><p>"I like yours too" Ben laughed, it was warm and sincere and Callum couldn't help but smile at him. "Look I'm so sorry, I was drunk and jealous I shouldn't-I shouldn't of called you stupid" Ben started to stutter himself, he looked down at his feet before looking back up at Callum "you're not stupid, you're really not"</p><p> </p><p>"Why were you jealous?" Callum asked dumbly, picking at a loose thread on his hoodies. He looked back at Ben taking his bottom lip between his teeth. </p><p> </p><p>"Nothing- nothing, don't worry" Ben gave him a small smile, it was unconvincing, it didn't reach his eyes. Callum loved it when Ben genuinely smiled, it made his eyes shine, he looked soft when he smiled that like. "Let's start running yeah?", so they did in silence</p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>Callum came to a stop, breathing heavily as he let himself breathe. He leaned himself against the tree slowly sitting himself down. He looked up at Ben, his face was the darkest colour of red and he had sweat dripping down his forehead, Callum found himself getting hot and bothered once again at the sight. Ben caught Callum's eyes and gave him a quick wink before sitting next to him both still trying to catch his breath. They sat in silence for a few minutes, nothing but their gasps and he heavy breathing. </p><p> </p><p>"I volunteered at the old people's home because I was lonely" Callum confessed, his voice coming out in barely a whisper. He shut his eyes and rested his head against the tree. "Still am I guess” he muttered shaking his head trying to stop himself from crying. He opened his eyes his breathing slowly become normal again. Ben was looking at him with a soft expression staying quiet to let him explain. "I love talking to people, being around people, but I felt like I had no one, but at the home, I was always talking, listening to their stories, but summer was over I had to go back to pretending to be someone I wasn’t and I started feeling lonely again" Callum could feel the tears burn at his eyes "and then you came along and I wasn't lonely anymore, I had you..it’s stupid I know” Ben shyly placed a hand on Callum's cheek shuffling slightly closer to him as he wiped a few of Callum tears with his thumb. "But then the party...I thought you..” he sighed trying to find the words “...I thought you saw me as the same stupid halfway everyone else does and I felt lonely again, I shouldn't I know I have Whit, but she doesn't make me feel like you do" Callum looked at Ben eyes flickering down to his lips quickly before glancing back at his eyes "I don't want to be lonely anymore" his voice was cracking with emotion as he looks at Ben eyes pleading.</p><p> </p><p>Callum took a small deep breath as he felt Ben move closer to him. He felt Ben's breath against his lip and Callum couldn't help smile softly, Ben looked up at him his blue eyes glistening in the moonlight, he looked worried as if he had crossed some sort of line but Callum just leaned in closer letting Ben slowly press his lips against his. Callum froze for a moment, unsure how to react, he knew he wanted this, the desire has been overwhelming the past few weeks and now it was happening he was scared, he thought about this moment, not that he would tell anyone that and now it was happening he felt as if he was dreaming, floating above this lonely town. He felt hot, the heat burning at his skin, heart pounding against his chest but as Ben slowly pulled away, he felt cold once again, he pushed down the feeling of disgust that he had let control him for sixteen years and leaned in again placing his hand on the back of Ben's neck as he kissed him. He felt Ben smile against his lips and he placed his hands on Callum's face deepening the kiss. Callum couldn't help laughing softly against's Ben's lip. He felt the buzz in his veins as Ben pulled away before straddling Callum's hips, he looked down at Callum and grinned before reconnecting their lips again. It was messy, sloppy and rushed but perfect, Callum never felt like this when he kissed Whitney, his whole body felt on fire but yet calm at the same time. He let out a soft moan as Ben nipped his bottom lip. He grabbed on to Ben's waist gripping on to his shirt tightly as Ben begin to rock his hips. Callum let his instincts overtake him, his mind went blank just focusing on Ben and the way his hips felt against his, the waves of electric jolting through this body. Callum dug his nails into Ben’s hips, Ben’s moans were loud but soft, in the quiet night, he pulled Callum’s hair as he pulled away, Callum was breathless but in the best way possible, it wasn’t like the way it felt after a run, it wasn’t exhausting, it was exciting, addicting, he stared at Ben, his lips were slightly parted red and his cheek’s pink as he smiled softly at Callum. The softness was over as quickly as it came as Callum pulled Ben against him again tugging the black shirt over Ben’s head before kissing him again, it was all rushed but Callum took a moment to let himself think and it all became too much. Ben shirtless, his body pressed against’s Callum’s his hips rocking, lips sloppy. It hit Callum like a tonne of bricks. The disgust and shame pushed their way back up, overtaking the heat. Callum shook his head tears rolling down his cheek as he pulled away. Ben looked down at him slightly confused, hand gingerly holding Callum’s cheek as he leaned in once again, but Callum turned his head to the side lightly pressing his hands against his chest pushing him off. He pushed himself up. Running his hand through his hair as the tears continued trickling down his face.</p><p> </p><p>“Callum?” Ben’s voice was soft, needy, dazed as he sat on the grass watching him delicately. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry I’m sorry” Callum stammered wobbling as he walked away, leaving Ben sat in the cold grass holding onto his T-shirt feeling abandoned in this lonely world once again. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ah thank you if you're actually reading this, I know it's not the best writing and this story is just some stupid idea I had in my head that I needed to get out, but anyway hope you enjoyed it! And I hoped it wasn't too rushed.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Strawberry Milkshake</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"Thanks," Callum said softly as he took the glass off of Mick and brought it to his lips taking a small sip. Strawberry milk was Callum's favourite. He didn't really like tea or coffee. He would sometimes drink hot chocolate but he would find it burning his throat being too impatient to wait for it to cool. But strawberry milkshake was comforting. The sweet flavour was subtle and the pink shade of the drink made Callum smile. It was soft and Callum just loved it. He could drink a whole bottle of it if he was allowed too. "Dad doesn't let me have strawberry milk at home," Callum turned to Mick, "Says it's too bent" He let out a small chuckle. </p><p>x</p><p>Or Callum tries to process the kiss</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So I have decided to make Callum struggle with undiagnosed Generalised Anxiety disorder resulting in a small trigger warning to be placed on this AU, This means that there may be some parts of this fic that some people may find triggering such as mentions of panic attacks or Callum's internal struggle with anxiety. If you feel like this may trigger you then maybe this story isn't for you. Anyway! If you decide to keep reading I hope you enjoy this chapter!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Callum hates days like this, the days where he would wake, anxiety already sat on his chest, crushing him. The sun was bright and mocking him with its cheerfulness. He felt drained, all his energy being used to stop the panic attack exploding and taking over him, he could already feel the tears burning in his eyes battling for him just to let go, for him to just let the breath he was holding out, to let himself break. He stared at himself in the dirty mirror, he looked a mess, hair flat and lacking any product, eyes heavy the bags dragging them down. He couldn't help but feel disgusted at the person he was staring at and what he did last night. He couldn't shake the thoughts as he tried to button up his school shirt hands shaking, quickly becoming frustrated when he has to redo it four times, buttoning it up wrong. When Callum finally gets his shirts right, he feels like he needs a nap, the last of his energy slowly fading away from him, slipping through his fingers. He quickly puts on this tie and grabs his blazer. He couldn't help but stare at the Walford high logo, it was wonky against the dark blue it unsettled him more then it should. </p><p> </p><p>Callum walked down the stairs quickly just wanting to get out the house, he needed the walk, to get his head straight even though the thought of leaving the safety of his bed made him sick to his stomach it was better than staying here with Jonno and Stuart.  He grabbed his bag quickly trying to escape before anyone noticed him. </p><p> </p><p>"There's my boy!" Callum froze, he was certain that his dad could hear his heart pounding against his chest, it hurt his ears. He suddenly felt his hands become sweaty and it was a contrast between the cold lonesome council house. Callum took a deep breath and turned over, forcing the smile. </p><p> </p><p>"Alright, Dad?" Callum tried his best to make his voice sound confident, but it came out weak. Weak and broken like Callum. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm taking you to school!" Jonno pointed his finger at Callum as he stepped closer to him, it felt aggressive and Callum couldn't help but take a step back, even when Jonno started laughing it didn't shake the fear. "Some father Son time" Callum forced out a chuckle, everything about this morning felt forced and Callum was tired from hiding, he needed the walk but he couldn't just say no to his dad so he nodded. </p><p> </p><p>"Okay" It was a quiet response, but he couldn't get his voice much louder in the fear of being sick if he did. He grabbed his bag and walked out to Jonno's car, it was a beaten up red Fiat Cinquecento, it was missing its right-wing mirror and the left one was shattered. </p><p> </p><p>"Well don't just stand there! You're constantly away with the fairies aren't you lad?" Jonno's voice was harsh it made the anxiety sitting on Callum's chest heavier, it was crushing him now. Callum nodded quickly as if he was obeying orders and jumps in the passenger seat. The stench of old stale cigarettes burned Callum'a eyes, it was a mess. Old beer cans and McDonald's littered across the floor. Callum dug his nails into his palm trying to keep himself calm, he felt as dirty as the car and it made him want to rip his skin off. He shut his eyes trying to stop himself from crying, he couldn't do that now, not with his Dad sat in the driver's seat. He opened his eyes when he felt the rumble of the engine as they drove off the radio-loud drowning out some of Callum's thoughts.  </p><p> </p><p>"How's that bird of yours?" Jonno asked as he picked up and old beer can from the coffee holder taking a sips </p><p> </p><p>"Whit? Yeah she's good she's good" Callum watched as his dad downed the rest of the drink before crushing the can. Callum glanced down at his hands, relaxing them. He frowned at the dark red nail marks that bled against his skin. He looked back at his dad wiping his hand on his trousers flinching slightly at the sting of it. </p><p> </p><p>"Never understood how you pulled a girl like that son" Jonno laughed loudly as he turned the radio up louder. The vibrations were starting to cause Callum's head to pound. He stayed quiet just wanting the drive to be over, he knew they were close another couple minutes or so but it felt like time had stopped in the car. His legs were shaking, he knew his dad, he was cheery now but it wouldn't take long for it to turn sour. </p><p> </p><p>"Cat got your tongue?" Callum's throat tightened, the words becoming stuck. His brain became scrambled as he tried to think of anything to say. </p><p> </p><p>"You shouldn't be drinking and driving," He meant for it to come out as a joke, but it came out cold and distant. The slap came and went quickly, but hard. Callum brought his hand up and lightly touched his cheek, it was hot and the sting buzzed against his skin. He shut his eyes the tears pushing to force their way out. </p><p> </p><p>"You better lose that cheek if you want to join the army, no point having it if you don't have the balls for the consequences" Jonno muttered, Callum was right, the air around them had turned sour. The blood pounded in his ears. His heart thudded in his chest. His hands shook. His feet tingled. His vision disfigured as if he were looking through a fish-eye lens. He had to getaway. He couldn't stand to be in this car anymore. He quickly scrambled to get the door open when he felt the car stop. He didn't even say a goodbye he just wanted to get away.  He shut the door behind him as he began to walk towards the gate. His legs felt numb as if they were ready to give up on him. He was breathing hard. Really hard. As if he just finished running the London marathon. He couldn't do this. It all became too much. </p><p> </p><p>"Callum?" Callum ignored it he just needed to keep walking. To keep focusing on each step. It was the only thing stopping him from crying. "Callum!" He felt the hand on his arm and turned. It was Lee looking at him furrowed eyebrows. His lips a small frown as his eyes scanned his face. </p><p> </p><p>"I-uh-I-I" Callum stuttered. He couldn't stop it anymore. His chest growing tight. Sobs escaping his lips as the bile rose in his throat. </p><p> </p><p>It wasn't the first time Callum had a panic attack in front of Lee, it wasn't even the second on. The history of their friendship was filled with them. Callum shaky breath chewing his lip. Lee was supportive with a small smile. Or it would be Lee shaky breath chewed lip and Callum supportive with a small smile. They were always there for each other like brothers. </p><p> </p><p>"Deep breath, you're safe, don't get yourself in such state" Lees whispers were soft. Callum felt the tightness of his chest ease. His body was still shaking but his breathing was once again soft and gentle. </p><p> </p><p>"How do you break up with someone?" Callum asked randomly head tilted to the side. </p><p> </p><p>~ </p><p> </p><p>Callum knocked on the office door quietly. Mr Andrews was sat eyebrow furrowed, red pen in hand as he read the papers in front of him. Callum felt guilty. He was about to turn and walk off when Mr Andrews looked up at him. </p><p> </p><p>"Ah Halfway are you here for your catch up?" His voice was cheerful. Callum had enough of cheerful. </p><p> </p><p>"No, uh-I was wondering if we could have it second period" Science. He couldn't face Ben. Not after what happened yesterday. The taste of his lips still fresh on the tip of his tongue. Mr Andrews looked up a hint of confusion on his face. </p><p> </p><p>"Um-Yeah of course, is everything alright?" Callum just nodded before turning and making his way to Maths. He couldn't face a conversation. The panic attack still fresh. He knew that he was one small trigger away from another one. He walked into the small dirty white classroom quickly. Going to the back of the class sitting himself down and pulling out the ugly yellow book staring at the basic algebra posters on the wall trying to block everything else out. </p><p> </p><p>He spent most of the lesson like that. Either staring at the posters or staring at the whiteboard twiddling the pen in his hand. The words coming from the teacher and anyone else in the class made no sense to him. It was as if they were all speaking another language. He couldn't focus on anything that needed an ounce of energy. Everything just felt exhausting. </p><p> </p><p>"Right Class dismissed!". Ms Mathews voice echoed around the class. It felt like Callum had only been there five minutes but after glancing at the clock Ms Mathews was right. The lesson was over, in fact, it had overrun by a few minutes. Callum slowly rose to his feet with the rest of the class. His heart was racing again as he walked out to the corridor. </p><p> </p><p>"Callum?" Ben was stood there. Callum stood there slightly bewildered. "I thought I would wait for you, so we could walk to science together". His voice was soft and innocent. His eyes were hopeful as he looked up at Callum. </p><p> </p><p>"Halfway! There you are! Ready for our catch up like you asked" Callum cringed. A twinge of guilt pulling at his heart as he looked at Ben. He gave him a small smile before following Mr Andrews. He turned one last time. Ben looked hurt, eyebrow furrowed as he watched Callum. Memories of last night flooded Callum. He wanted Ben. He knew he wanted Ben. </p><p> </p><p>"So Halfway-How are we?" Mr Andrew asked as he sat on his chair by his desk looking up at Callum.</p><p> </p><p>"Callum" Callum mumbled sitting on the other chair. Mr Andrews office spelt of coffee and was cluttered but yet it felt homely. Picture of his wife and kids dotted on the wall. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry?" Mr Andrews asked with a nervous chuckle as he fiddled with his pen looking up at him.</p><p> </p><p>"My name is Callum!" His voice was stern, he hasn't even realised his hands clenched. "I'm not stupid, I'm not halfway anything! I'm sick of tired of everyone thinking I'm not stupid!" He was shouting now, he was no longer anxious. It was as if the monsters inside him had transformed into angry ones. "You know I was a grade D last year! I'm now a grade B I'm not halfway! I'm Callum" he pushed himself up running his hand through his hair</p><p> </p><p>"Right," Mr Andrews nodded slightly taken back from the outburst as he observed Callum carefully. "I'm sorry, Callum". </p><p> </p><p>"I'm sick of tired of everyone thinking I'm nothing but stupid" Callum confessed. The second the words slipped his lips some of the tension lifted from his shoulders. It felt like when Callum was little he had all these books he borrowed from the school library in his backpack when he would walk home it was heavy on his shoulders but when he got home and dumped his bag the relief would make him feel like he was floating. "I'm going back to class" Callum picked up his bag and rushed out of there before Mr Andrews could say another word. He glanced at one of the clocks in the corridor, he still had 45 minutes of class left. 45 minutes of Ben. He almost ran to the science block not wanting to waste another second of what should have been his time with Ben. He couldn't believe how selfish he was being, Ben was the reason for his outburst. Ben noticed how much Callum didn't like the name. Ben gave Callum the courage to stand up for himself. Everything began to fall into place. </p><p> </p><p>Callum pretty much stumbled into the classroom eyes darting across the room to find him. There he was. Sat in there usual seats. Callum couldn't help but smile as Ben looked up at him. His heart was racing in the best way. </p><p> </p><p>"Halfway! Nice of you to finally join us" Mrs July's voice was sarcastic but Callum just smiled sweetly at her. </p><p> </p><p>"I was with Mr Andrews" he shrugged "also my name is Callum..not halfway". His voice was soft and relaxed when he said it. He felt confident. </p><p> </p><p>"Right Callum, well don't just stand there go sit down Mitchell will catch you up". Callum nodded as he shyly made his way to the back, trying to avoid everyone looking at him. He was half tempted to mumble "his name is Ben," but he decided against it before sitting next to Ben. He couldn't help but smile at him. </p><p> </p><p>"You alright?" Ben let out a chuckle as he looked at Callum. The smile and chuckle didn't quite reach his eyes and Callum felt like he was off. </p><p> </p><p>"I just told two teachers that my name is Callum" Callum was beaming. Eyes twinkling as he looked at Ben. </p><p> </p><p>"Well done" Ben mumbled before turning and focusing back on his workbook. Callum glanced over to see Ben just doodling stick men and he couldn't help but smile. </p><p> </p><p>"You alright?" Callum asked frowning when Ben just nodded. He wanted to talk. The confidence made a nice change to the panic he was feeling earlier. "Fancy going on a run later?" That made Ben lookup. Callum felt the confidence slip away from him, the monsters grew louder. The anxiety overtaking him once again. </p><p> </p><p>"What so you can leave me shirtless? Alone and humiliated?" Ben scoffed shaking his head as he looked at Callum. Callum looked back the guilt pulling at his heart again. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm breaking up with Whitney" Callum mumbled turning to focus his attention on Ben's little stickmen. He thought about it, he talked through Lee about it. He felt ready. Maybe not ready to admit to the reason why he was breaking up with Whit. Or to admit why he couldn't stop thinking about Ben. But he was ready to break up with her so that had to mean something. </p><p> </p><p>"Text me later then," Ben says softly giving him a small smile nudging his knee against Callum's. Callum couldn't help but blush as he started to do some work.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Callum walked up to Whitney at lunch. He could do this. He psyched himself up all day. Thought about what he was going to say. He had to do this. If he didn't he would end up hurting her. He took a deep breath his eyes stinging with tears as he taped her shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>"Can we talk?" Callum rushed out before Whitney could say anything. He always struggled to get a word in whenever he was with Whitney. Whitney looked up at him. It was one of these rare days where she wasn't wearing makeup. Callum always thought she looked prettier like this. </p><p> </p><p>"Uh-yeah yeah sure" Whitney smiled softly. It wasn't genuine. It was sympathetic. Callum got used to those smiles from her since they were dating. He waited as she stood up tapping his foot nervously chewing his lip. He walked with her in silence as he tried to think what to say. </p><p> </p><p>"I think we should break up" He blurted out. He cringed as soon as he said it. He didn't mean to blurt it out. Everything he planned for the last few hours had gone out of the window. He remembers Lee's advice of not just blurting it out. Maybe he deserved the nickname. </p><p> </p><p>"Okay," Whitney was calm. It was simple and confused Callum. He was expecting tears, shouting, swearing. He stopped walking and looked at her head slightly. Eyebrow furrowed as Whitney turned and looked at him delicately placing her hand on Callum's cheek "I know you, Callum, I'm not what you want" She whispered "You've been so off the past couple months, you're not happy with me and that's okay" her voice was breaking, every word cracking with emotion. "I'm not stupid, I've just been selfish dragging you along".  </p><p> </p><p>"You're not selfish!" Callum was sick of crying but yet he was crying again. The tears burning against his skin. The anxiety breaking his heart over and over. "I love you just not in the way I'm meant to" This was the closest the Callum was going to get to admitting the real reason. </p><p> </p><p>"I know I know" Whitney was crying too now, voice coming out as a barely audible whisper. She held onto his cheek wiping away his tears. "One day you'll able to love yourself okay? And you won't be able to do that with me" She leaned in, press a small fragile kiss to he cheek. Callum felt the same feeling he did when he told Mr Andrews he didn't like being called halfway. The relief was overwhelming. </p><p> </p><p>~ </p><p> </p><p>The rest of the afternoon went quickly. Callum had sport last, as basic as it was his favourite lesson. It was cross country so he and Jay just jogged talking about football or whatever Lola was mad about now. Jay didn't bring up Whitney, it was nice but the tightness in his chest was still there, the tears burning his eyes. </p><p> </p><p>He walked out of the gates his legs feeling numb once again. This day had been too much of an emotional rollercoaster and he didn't even know what to do with himself. He thought about going home and texting Ben asking to go on a run but he wasn't what that meant. Deep down he was secretly hoping that a run would just be an excuse to have Ben's body on his again. He was taken out of his thoughts by a continuous beeping. </p><p> </p><p>"Oi Halfway!" He looked up and saw Mick's Range-rover with a smiley Mick waving frantically at him and Lee sitting next to him laughing. This was the thing about the Carter's. Their good mood was contagious. Whenever Callum was around them he could actually feel his face ache from smiling so much. "Why don't just stand there on your tod hop in! You're having tea round ours" Callum laughed and opened the back door jumping in chucking his bag in the boot.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"What we having?" Callum asked putting on his seatbelt as he felt the car rumble as they drove off. </p><p> </p><p>"Spag bowl lad" He smiled to Callum through the mirror. He was certain that Lee told Mick about the panic attack and the Whitney break up. Lee always did and Mick was always there to pick up the pieces. </p><p> </p><p>"Then I'm thinking Mario Kart on the Wii?" Lee turned and grinned at him. "Just so I can see you cry at Rainbow Road again" </p><p> </p><p>"I didn't cry! There was something in my eye" Callum laughed shaking his head "least I didn't throw the remote at the telly during Wii sports bowling!" Maybe this is what Callum needed. To be surrounded by positive people, just for a few hours where he didn't have to pretend. Didn't have to hide. </p><p> </p><p>~</p><p>Callum sat in the Carters living room after dinner. This room was homely. The wallpaper was bright. Everything with the Carters was bright. Callum loved it. His favourite had to be the bright pink flamingos in Mick's and Linda's bedroom. It just screamed happiness and family. Compared to the run-down council house that Callum lived in. He always planned that when he got his own flat the walls would be bright. </p><p> </p><p>"Alright Son?" Mick walked in pulling Callum's attention from the wallpaper. Mick was always well dressed. A button-up shirt with a waistcoat. Callum often felt scruffy when he was round Mick, with his second-hand uniform that he was certain wasn't legit. His white shirt was either too big or too small at the arms. The Carters never seemed to mind, Linda often brought him an extra shirt whenever she had to buy Lee some. Callum couldn't help but wish that he could be adopted by them. It was awful but sometimes he would lie in his bed, wishing his dad would drink himself to death so he would have to live to the Carters. He felt horrible whenever he did think it and he knew deep down that if it did happen he would have to stay with Stuart but it was nice to lose himself in the fantasy. "Get that down you" Mick plonked himself down next holding out a glass of strawberry milkshake.</p><p> </p><p>"Thanks," Callum said softly as he took the glass off of Mick and brought it to his lips taking a small sip. Strawberry milk was Callum's favourite. He didn't really like tea or coffee. He would sometimes drink hot chocolate but he would find it burning his throat being too impatient to wait for it to cool. But strawberry milkshake was comforting. The sweet flavour was subtle and the pink shade of the drink made Callum smile. It was soft and Callum just loved it. He could drink a whole bottle of it if he was allowed too. "Dad doesn't let me have strawberry milk at home," Callum turned to Mick, "Says it's too bent" He let out a small chuckle. </p><p> </p><p>"Well your dad isn't here is he?" Mick nudged his shoulder chuckling softly. </p><p>Callum couldn't help but sense a sort of tension in the air. He couldn't put his finger what it was. He looked back at the glass. Paying attention to the condensation wiping his thumb against it. "You know.." Mick started. It hit Callum then. The strawberry milkshake. Dinner. It was all leading up to, A talk. The anxiety began to tighten Callum's chest again as he kept his attention on the glass. Avoiding eye contact. "Johnny sat in the same place you are now" Mick was fiddling with the back of the sofa pulling at a loose thread as he thought of the words. "And he told us something, something that's been bothering him for a long time" Callum slowly looked up at him tears forming in his eyes before he quickly looked away putting the glass on the coffee table his hands suddenly becoming sweaty. "And I admit at first I struggled, Linda struggled but we came to terms with it but I don't think your dad would" Mick's words came out slowly as if he wasn't sure on what to say. It was like he was stepping on eggshells and it made Callum feel queasy and nervous. "So..I uh-just wanted to let you know, we're here for you, you're like a son to us and uh-we've all noticed something recently and uh-" Mick was stuttering and it just made Callum panic more. He felt sick. The strawberry milkshake swirling around his stomach. He just shook his head hoping Mick would stop. "It's okay, it's all going to be okay but you can't keep it bottled up" Mick placed a firm but comforting hand on Callum's shoulder trying to get him to look at him. "And we'll love you no matter what, but you're gay? Aren't you?" Callum just looked up at him. Staying silent. The fear of being sick stopping him from opening his mouth. His head pounded as the tears rolled down his cheek. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry" Callum mumbled letting the sobs take over him. He broke. "I'm sorry Mick I'm sorry" His chest ached with each sob. He was shaking. Mick pulled him close but Callum tried to fight it. Trying to shake Mick's hand off his shoulder. He kept trying but the energy just faded away from him. He couldn't fight anymore. He was tired. This secret was becoming harder and harder to keep. He couldn't do it anymore. He was gay. He's always been gay. Since he was nine and developed a weird sort of crush on Squidward. It was weird he knew it was. But he found Squidward's grumpiness endearing. Then when he was fourteen he found himself stumbling across gay porn on Stuart's computer and even though he shut off the computer less then a minute in he couldn't help but found himself zoning out in maths. Almost becoming hard at the memory of it when he struggled to have a reaction to straight porn. Then with Whitney. No matter how hard he tried to convince himself that he could love her, that he was attracted to her. Yet he didn't. No matter how hard he tried to force it he just couldn't. Right now he couldn't help but wonder why he denied it. It was obvious. He was gay. He let himself get pulled close to Mick. He let himself cry into his chest. </p><p> </p><p>"It's going to be okay" Mick whispered. He held Callum tightly and let him cried. Callum never needed the comfort more then he needed now. It wasn't long before Linda tipped toed in sitting herself next to them, rubbing Callum's back. </p><p> </p><p>"It's not" Callum whined through his tears. He hugged Mick tightly "I'm gay" He pulled away nodding. He felt so much relief being able to finally admit it himself. </p><p> </p><p>"And we still love you," Linda whispered pulling him into a hug wiping his cheeks with her thumb. She pressed a small kiss to his head and Callum never felt so safe. </p><p> </p><p>~ </p><p>Callum sat on his bed back at his Dad's. Mick and Linda did offer for Callum to stay the night rounds there. Concern was the reason. They all knew what Jonno was like and after Callum's confession they knew what danger Callum was in now but Callum couldn't stay. He wanted to see Ben.  </p><p> </p><p>{Callum} Still fancy a run? x ~10;31pm </p><p> </p><p>Was the kiss too much? Maybe it was too late? Maybe he misread the whole situation. He only sent the text a minute ago but the panic was already poking and prodding him. He was slightly more confident in himself since he came out to Mick and Linda. He admitted to himself that he wanted Ben like he had Whitney. He wanted to hold his hand. To kiss him again. To listen to his stupid jokes all the time. To just be near him. It was stupid to feel this way after only knowing him a month. Yet Callum wanted him. He brought out a side of Callum that Callum wasn't even aware of. It was confidence and honest and Callum enjoyed it. </p><p> </p><p>{Ben} Of course, meet you by the park x </p><p> </p><p>Callum almost jumped off the bed with excitement. He wore his old Nike tracksuit bottoms and hoodie that Linda brought him a few Christmases back. It wasn’t ideal for running but Callum didn’t want to do any running tonight. It was just an excuse to see Ben. To hopefully talk to him. To tell him how he felt. To hopefully feel his body against his again. </p><p> </p><p>He pretty much ran out of the house, avoiding Stuart and Jonno who were arguing in the kitchen. He wasn’t going to let them get to him tonight. This was his night. His and Ben’s night. </p><p> </p><p>Ben wasn’t there when Callum got to the park and he almost felt disappointed. He kept glancing at the time trying to ignore the voice in his head that was telling him Ben stood him up but less then three minutes later there he was. Walking towards Callum now. Callum couldn’t help but smile at him. It was goofy but genuine and soft and Ben’s face lit up at the sight of it.</p><p> </p><p>“Alright Solider boy?” Ben’s voice sounded groggy and the why he rubbed his eyes Callum knew he was tired. He felt the guilt wash over him. It was late and they had school tomorrow. </p><p> </p><p>“You tired?” He asked softly. It was only then he noticed what Ben was wearing. Jeans and a thick winter coat. You couldn’t run with that on. Callum couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Ben not wanting to run but instead spend time with him, it made his stomach flutter in the most exciting way. </p><p> </p><p>“Dad and Sharon have been arguing all night and Louise is round so she’s shoved in with me” Ben yawned “but I wanted to see you” he whispered after. </p><p> </p><p>“I broke up with Whit” Callum blurted out smiling at Ben. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I heard” Ben tried to hide his grin as he took his bottom lip between his teeth. </p><p> </p><p>“I told Mick and Linda I was gay” Callum was basically radiating happiness and confidence now. He looked at Ben expecting him to know what he meant as if he was a mind reader but he just stood there still trying to hide his grin with his stupid lip bite. </p><p> </p><p>“Okay..I’m proud of you” Ben whispered stepping closer. It was careful and slow as if he didn’t want to spook Callum off. “What caused you to do that?”. Callum suddenly felt shy. He didn’t want to spell it out to Ben. He wanted Ben to immediately know why and what Callum wanted. </p><p> </p><p>“I like the way you kiss me” Callum whispered looking at him. He couldn’t help but glance at his lip. Ben was so close to him it was so tempting to kiss him right there and then “and I reckon I would like the way you would hold my hand too and I like you stupid jokes that I pretend to be annoyed at but I actually really enjoy” Callum rushed out unable to contain the smile “I also like the way I can be myself around you, you never judge me and I never judge you” He felt Ben slowly slip his hand into his and his heart skipped a beat. He panicked for a moment that his hand was too sweaty but he was quickly distracted at how right it felt to have Ben’s hand in his. “I know this sounds stupid because I’ve only known you a month, but I like ya Ben” Callum pulled his eyes away from there hands and looked back up at him. Their lips were nearly touching. He could feel Ben’s breath against them and it took all his self-control not to snog him wanting to get his point across. “I want to be with you like I was with Whit because you make me feel safe. You make me less lonely” He couldn’t take it anymore so he pressed his lips against’s Ben’s. The kiss was soft like the colour of strawberry milkshake. He took the hand that wasn’t holding Ben’s and placed it on the back of Ben’s neck as he kissed him again. Gentle and safe. </p><p> </p><p>“I like ya too Callum” Ben murmured against Callum’s lip. The vibrations causing their lips to tingle “but my dad he wouldn’t-“ </p><p> </p><p>“I know I know my dad too” Callum pulled away squeezing Ben’s hand. “But why don’t we keep this to just us, we don’t have to tell them” Callum pleaded gently. His eyes staring into Ben’s hopeful. Hopeful of the future they could share together. </p><p> </p><p>“Okay okay,” Ben whispered kissing him again. Callum could find himself easily becoming addicted to Ben’s lips. “I better get back before they notice I’m gone” Ben pulled away. Slipping his hand out of Callum’s but Ben couldn’t help himself and leaned in and kissed him one last time before taking a step back. “Double science tomorrow, maybe I can hold your hand under the table?” Ben winked as he slowly turned and walked away. Callum couldn’t stop smiling as he watched him go. Bringing his hand up tugging gently on his bottom lip Ben’s kiss still lingering.  </p><p> </p><p>Double science, only twelve more hours to go.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey! Thank you so much for reading and for all the love this fic has received! Each comment left means so much to me and I am so thankful you've taken the time to read my story. I'm hoping to get chapter 5 finished and posted by Sunday :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. What are we?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Callum didn't know what to do with himself. Was this what boyfriends do? Were they boyfriend? Callum didn't really know what they were. They never really labelled it. Were they just friends that kissed and held hands? Did Callum want more?  He has only known him just over a month, a month and 10 days if they were to be exact. One month and Ben has already changed so much. It was for the better. </p><p>x</p><p>Or just them figuring out what they are.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So...this update is two weeks later then planned but I guess words are hard sometimes. But I got my motivation to write back and ta-da update! Hope you enjoy! Hopefully it’s not complete trash but thank you for all the love and support I really appreciate like thank you so much! x</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>{Ben}~Wanna walk to school together?-7:02am</p><p> </p><p>Callum had been staring at the text for six whole minutes. The butterflies in his stomach haven't calmed. In fact, the longer he stared at the simple message the louder the butterflies flutters got. Ben wanted to walk to school with him. With him. Callum didn't know what to do with himself. Was this what boyfriends do? Were they boyfriend? Callum didn't really know what they were. They never really labelled it. Were they just friends that kissed and held hands? Did Callum want more?  He has only known him just over a month, a month and 10 days if they were to be exact. One month and Ben has already changed so much. It was for the better. Callum was getting addicted to the taste of Ben's lips against his. They couldn't kiss as much of Callum would of like- well if Callum had his way he would never stop kissing Ben- but trying to keep their secret a secret meant the odd kiss in the PE changing rooms in the middle of lunch when no one was there. Or when they would go on their 'run' in the dead of night and just kiss. Callum's life was slowly starting to revolve around Ben and if he was being honest he was loving it. He just wishes he could talk to someone how he was feeling. He thought about telling Mick and Linda, but a part of him still panicked that Mick might have too many on a night out with Stuart and tell him.</p><p> </p><p>Callum looked back at his phone, panicking slightly when he realised in his moment of thinking he's haven't replied to Ben's message in ten minutes.</p><p> </p><p>{Callum}- Yes! Where do you wanna meet? Park? Or that a little out of our way? x~7:13 am</p><p> </p><p>He tried not to let his thoughts spiral once again as he reread the message he just sent Ben. Did it sound needy? If they were to walk the parkway it would add fifteen minutes on to the walk. Callum wasn't very good at subtle, he was often accidentally blunt and right now he wanted Ben to chose the parkway. It was halfway between each other's houses, only a five-minute walk for the both of them.</p><p> </p><p>{Ben} Park is good see you there in about twenty minutes x~7:14 am</p><p> </p><p>"He replied instantly" Callum mumbled to himself looking at the phone with the biggest smile on his face. The happiness he was feeling almost drowns out the drunken shouting from the kitchen. Callum was becoming more and more numb to it now. He reached over and turned on the radio turning it up. It was the news o about another stabbing that happened from around here but listening to this what better than listening to his dad and Stuart scream and shout at each other. He continue drowning it out as he grabbed his uniform and quickly pulled it on. He was panicking that he might end up turning up late for Ben if he let his thoughts spiralled again so he focused on getting dressed as quickly as possible. He grabbed the Superdrug own brand of hair gel, that Whitney got him last year for his birthday, and pushed the product into his hair. He hated the stickiness of it but he wanted to look nice for Ben. Was that sad? He felt like it was sad, getting all dressed up for a boy he wasn't sure if he was more then a friend or not. He was still new to these gay things, with Whit it was simple. She said she liked him to Lola, Lola who Callum didn't really know that well stopped in midway through English and told him, in a slight gay panic he agreed to go out with her. He did like Whit before all this as a friend. She was nice and sweet. They talked in their Religious studies class and in geography and he could easily see himself becoming best friends with her but she wanted more and Callum didn't want people discovering he was gay so they got together. Simple. Yet nothing with Ben felt simple. It felt new and scary. </p><p> </p><p>Callum rushed out of the house the second he was dressed. Ignoring the shouts from Stuart and Jonno. He could deal with them later but right now he wanted to go see Ben. He felt his hands get sweaty with nerves so as he walked he kept wiping them on his trousers hoping no one had noticed knowing it looked a bit weird especially as the weather was cold this morning. It was nearly November so the cold wasn't unusual but the way the wind nipped at Callum's skin made him shiver and it was unexpected. His face stung from the cold and he made a mental note to ask Stuart if he could lend a tenner to see if he could find a coat at a charity shop. He walked through the parks gate and the cold disappeared when he saw Ben. His cheeks become warm and he felt cosy as if he was surrounded by sun. Ben was his sun. The kind of sun that would slowly start peaking through the grey clouds after a storm before showering the world with cheerfulness and warmth.</p><p> </p><p>"Hi, sorry couldn't stop getting distracted by my thoughts," Callum greeted Ben with a small nervous chuckle. Ben nodded as he glanced around maiming sure they were alone before leaning forward and pressing a delicate kiss against Callum's cheek. It was soft but not as soft as the way that Ben gently took Callum's hand into his hand.</p><p> </p><p>'It's okay, everything okay though?' Ben made no plan to let go of Callum's hand softly stroking his thumb across the back of Callum's hand. Callum nodded slowly. It wasn't like he was going to tell Ben that everything wasn't okay. It would ruin the moment. "You look tired?" He says so softly and Callum certain he can feel the breath on his cheek.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm fine just glad to see you," Callum whispered staring into his eyes. He was getting lost again he always did with Ben eyes. But if he was being honest he was exhausted. He hasn't been sleeping. His thoughts were often full of horrors when he tried to sleep and it kept him up. Ben bit his lip softly as he looked back into Callum eyes. The connection they were both feeling was overwhelming.</p><p> </p><p>"We're gonna be late" Ben whispers kissing his cheek once again before pulling his hand away. Callum felt the cold as soon as he did that. He wanted to keep holding his hand but they did need to go. Ben stayed close to Callum as they walked.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, my mum's cafe is right around the corner, how about I treat you to a hot chocolate?" Ben grinned at him "if you're lucky I might get you an iced bun for break too?" Ben focused on straightening out Callum's blazer and Callum couldn't help but feel tingly and warm at the softness of it all. He resisted the urge to lean in and kissed him.</p><p> </p><p>"You don't have to do that" Callum chuckled. "And anyway we might be late?" He says glancing at his watch. They had the time but Callum didn't want Ben to feel like he had to do this.</p><p> </p><p>"I want to," Ben says brushing his hand against Callum's. It was subtle and he could hardly feel it but it still made his heart skip a beat. "Anyway might be my only way to get into those trousers of yours" he pinched of Callum's waistband "I'll be right back" Ben winks and Callum's breath got caught in his throat. His cheek was burning. He wasn't a stranger to Ben's many comments about sex and jokes about 'what he wants to do Callum" but he wasn't sure what they actually meant. They did affect him thought. It was affecting him now as he watched Ben walked into the building with the bright 'Kathy's cafe' sign. His cheeks were burning hot and he had to take a few deep breathes to calm himself now. He couldn't help but wonder if Ben did want to have sex with him but what would that make them? Are they still just friends? The question sat on the tip of his tongue.</p><p> </p><p>"One Hot chocolate for you" Ben skipped across the road happily "and an iced bun for your break or lunch whenever". He says holding them to him. Callum couldn't help but laugh. He loved how much energy he has. He took the cup out of Ben's hand and smiled softly.</p><p> </p><p>"Thank you" He wanted to kiss him. The urge was becoming impossible to resist. The desire burned in his chest.</p><p> </p><p>"'Now come on lover boy don't want to be late do we?" Callum shook his head as he started walking. The question and desire trying to force its way out. Ben kept knocking his hand against Callum's as they walked and it took Callum all his self-control not to grab his hand and never let go.</p><p> </p><p>"Louise is staying this week right" Ben started as Callum sipped his not chocolate as he tried to ignore the desperation to kiss him "she's in my room right and her shit is everywhere like dolls got no space to myself" Callum nodded looking at him carefully taking in the way that Ben's eyes twinkled in the sun. "So do you wanna go on a super long run tonight?"</p><p> </p><p>"We're meant to start doing revision Ben" Callum laughed "mocks are literally a month away but yes a run sounds nice" Callum grinned at him "hot chocolate is nice by the way you want some?" Callum asked holding the cup to him.</p><p> </p><p>"Go on then" Ben's voice was soft and the smile he gave Callum as he took the cup off of him was even softer and it made Callum's heart flutter. "Lola's having a party once mocks are all over around Christmas time you wanna go with me?" Callum normally hated parties and the last party he went to with Whitney was a disaster but he wasn't about to say no to Ben and it was the perfect excuse to spend more time with him.</p><p> </p><p>"I'd love too" Callum smiled "you not gonna get drunk and call me stupid again are you?" Callum meant it as a joke, he even laughed after but the way Ben's face dropped made Callum's heart twinge painfully. "I'm joking I'm joking" Callum rushed out linking his pinky around Ben's.</p><p> </p><p>"Nah this time we'll just hide in the garden and make out yeah?" Ben winked before pulling his hand away when they approached the school. "I probably won't even drink just want to spend time with you,"</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah that sounds nice actually" Callum couldn't blush and look down at his feet before looking up at the school "do you wanna split up and go different ways so people don't ask questions?" Callum asked quietly not wanting this to end but was trying to be smart knowing how harsh kids can be.</p><p> </p><p>"What?" Ben looked hurt again but it quickly morphed into anger. "Oh, you don't want to be seen with me?" Callum tried to explain himself the panic rushing through his body but Ben wouldn't let him. "Are you that afraid you don't want people to think we're friends? You know I don't care why don't you piss off back to Whitney yeah?!" Ben snapped. His words harsh and vicious and took Callum surprised. Callum was slightly taken back as he tried to think what to say but before he could respond Ben stormed off. Callum wanted to run after him. To explain that he would do anything to be able to hold his hand and kiss him in front of everyone. To scream from the rooftops how much Ben meant to him, but he just couldn't. Not with their dads ready to beat the gay out of them along with the rest of the school so Callum just sighed and made his way to tutor.</p><p>~</p><p>Callum sat in the library on his free period. His science textbook and revision cards scattered across the table. He was a little behind on science often getting distracted by Ben and the way he would knock his knee against his or the soft mumbled question about his day. He needed to focus on catching up, mocks were only a few weeks away and actual exams were a few months but yet Ben was distracting him again. Callum couldn't stop thinking about how he stormed off. He was sat tapping his pen against the desk thinking about every word he said to him. Thinking about the hurt on Ben's face. He sighed frustrated as he dropped the pen hiding his face in his hands. Callum felt a gentle touch on the back of his neck and heard someone ungracefully sit on the chair next to him.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey" The voice was delicate and Callum knew exactly who it was. "I thought I might find you in here" Ben put his hand on Callum's knee that was bouncing up and down under the table.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey," Callum mumbled looking up at him reaching out and stroking his cheek. "I'm so-"</p><p> </p><p>"No," Ben cut him off shaking his head "I'm sorry. I just I don't know I'm pissed off that I can't kiss you whenever but I know we can't..but I want too" Ben was rambling. Callum zones out a little letting Ben ramble just focusing on his lips. He quickly glanced around. It was just them, they were in a secluded corner of the library. No one could see them so Callum takes a deep breath and pressed his lips against Ben's, hand going to cup his cheek.</p><p> </p><p>"One day I'm gonna shout from the rooftops about how much I love kissing you" Callum muttered against Ben's lip. Thumb brushing against the slight stubble of his cheek. Ben looked slightly taken back lips slightly parted as he looked up at Callum.</p><p> </p><p>"And I'll be standing next to you shouting the same" Ben whispered as he leaned in kissing him softly again. </p><p> </p><p>Callum felt happy in their little bubble but there was an unfamiliar pull at his heart whenever he was near Ben. It was warm, soft and overwhelming.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>~</p><p>Mocks weren't as stressful as Callum thought they would be, He still had a few waves of panic about them but it felt they were over as soon as they started and he knew he didn't really need good grades mocks or real but deep down he wished he did. The days were getting closer until he left to go to the army. Lee never stopped talking about it but Callum didn't want to talk about it he just wanted to enjoy his time with Ben so that's what he was doing.</p><p> </p><p>Callum was waiting in the park fumbling with the button on his shirt sleeve. It was a bit big on him, it was a dark blue checked one that he found a couple days ago in the charity shop but it was smart. He wanted to be smart for Ben. He wanted to impress him. He glanced at his watch for the fifth time in the minute nervously chewing his lip.Ben was forty-three seconds late and Callum couldn't help but worry. His legs were shaking with nerves as he watched the handstick round the clock face.</p><p> </p><p>"You're going to burn a hole in that the way you're staring at it" Ben teases placing his hand on Callum's arm causing him to look up as he tried to stutter a response. "Hey, hey you're shaking" Ben's demeanour completely changed. His tone was now soft and gentle and his hand was delicate as he held Callum's arm "you okay?"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"Uh-yeah yeah cold" Callum laughed nervously trying to stop himself from shaking. Bens here, he didn't stand him up he should be able to stop shaking but why couldn't he stop shaking? "I thought you weren't going to turn up," he mumbles looking down at Ben's hand on his arm and he couldn't help but smile. He focused on his hand and the way his thumb was stroking his arm and the shaking stops. Callum became calm and looked up at Ben smiling.</p><p> </p><p>"You want my coat?" Callum almost felt his knees buckle beneath him when he heard him. He's never heard anything so considerate and kind. "Of course I was going to turn up I've been counting down the hours" Ben chuckled before kissing Callum. Callum lost himself for a moment bringing his hand to the back of Ben's neck other hand going to his waist. They stood there getting lost in each other for what felt like hours. Soft kisses against each other's lips, delicate touches and whispers.</p><p> </p><p>"We're going to be late" Ben murmured pulling away letting his hand slips into Callum's and held it gingerly as if he was scared to break him. Callum felt himself melt into Ben. It was like he was an ice cream and Ben was the sun.</p><p> </p><p>"I just wanna keep kissing you though," Callum whispered pressing his lips against Ben's cheek.</p><p> </p><p>"You can kiss me at the party you sappy devil," Ben grinning giving his hand a squeeze before they began walking to Lola's.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm not sappy!" Callum protested unable to hide the smile that was pulling at his lips "I've just missed ya that's all hardly seen ya with exams and stuff,"</p><p> </p><p>"Well you got me all night now but yeah I've missed you too," Ben brought Callum's hand up and kissed the back of his hand softly letting the kiss linger for a moment. The contact burned in the best way against Callum's skin. It contrasted against the cold, harsh December night.</p><p> </p><p>When they arrived at Lola's the beat of the music was loud and the living room was crowded and not once did Callum nor Ben let go of each other's hand. It was like they stop caring just wanting to soak up each other as much they possibly could.</p><p> </p><p>"You want a beer?" Ben turned and shouted over the loud generic tune that was playing on the speakers. Callum nodded giving him a small smile. He tried to ignore the amount of body's that were pressing up against each other and tried to focus on the way Ben was squeezing his hand.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah yeah sure," He felt uncertain, this was becoming too much but then Ben pressed another kiss to his hand and he pulled himself together and walked with Ben to the table that was littered with every type of alcohol. Ben grabbed him a can and passed it to him before grabbing one for himself and Callum was certain that if he let go of Ben's hand he would die so he kept a tight grip on it.</p><p> </p><p>"Garden?" Callum asked voice shouting over the music. Ben didn't respond he just got a nod as Ben pulled him through the crowd. They made they're way through to the kitchen.</p><p> </p><p>"Cal?" Both of them turned. They both forgot the way their hands were intertwined. It was Whitney stood next to Lee whose arm was wrapped around her waist. She wore the sparkly top that Callum brought her for the last party. Her hair was no longer red but a dark black that made her look a little pale.</p><p> </p><p>"Uh hi," Callum gave her a small smile before glancing at Lee raising an eyebrow "you two look cosy," he says with a small smile, not sure what else to say, as he took a sip of the beer trying to not frown as the alcohol burned uncomfortably at his throat.</p><p> </p><p>"So do you two" Lee laughed and realisation hit Callum. He was still holding Ben's hand and Ben was stood so close he could feel his breath on his cheek. He should be mortified but he just shrugged his shoulder and winked awkwardly, he never could wink that's what Mick always said, before turning taking lead making his way to the garden.</p><p> </p><p>"I'll catch up with you later," Callum called as he opened the patio door awkwardly trying not to spill his drink as he accidentally yanked the door open violently. "It's hard to open doors when I'm holding your hand" Callum laughed as he let the coolness hit his cheeks. Ben chuckled but it wasn't sincere and Callum frowned and turned to face him once they were stood in the middle of the garden, alone.</p><p> </p><p>"They saw us.." Ben muttered, "you're not upset they saw us?" Callum didn't really care about anyone else right now apart from Ben so he shook his head and smiled.</p><p> </p><p>"No, are you?" Callum leaned in close, nudging Ben's nose with his own. Their hands still connected.</p><p> </p><p>"Guess not," Ben breathed out as he press a tender kiss to Callum's lip for a second before pulling away to sip to his drink. Callum watched him for a moment trying to read his face. It was filled with so much emotion, tangled together like broken pieces of springs. Ben looked broken right now and Callum wanted to pick up the pieces of his heart and glue them back together for him. He downed the rest of his drink letting the alcohol burn his throat. He gently placed the can on the floor before looking back at Ben. He lightly brushed his thumb against Ben's cheek. He traced the faded freckles that were scattered on Ben's face staying silent as he let Ben melt and soften into his touch. He stretched out his fingers and cupped Ben's cheek letting Ben rest his face in his hand.</p><p> </p><p>"What's going on in that head of yours then?" Callum whispered loosening his grip on Ben's now sweaty hand bringing it to Ben's hair. He ran his fingers through the soft strands of hair, scraping his nails against his scalp.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't deserve you, I don't deserve this," Ben looked up at him. Tears glazed over his blue eyes. Callum's heart broke at the sight of how vulnerable Ben looked right now. His bottom lip quivering and a tight grasp on Callum's waist pulling at his shirt. Callum stayed quiet still gently pulling at his hair as he let Ben speak "my dad sees me as weak, ever since Stella...more like ever since I danced to lady gaga and Mum doesn't have time for me, she's always focused on Ian and his litter but you-you make me feel special and I don't understand what I did to deserve you," Ben's voice was cracking, a single tear rolling down his cheek the Callum quickly swiped away.</p><p> </p><p>"I love you" The words tumbled out of Callum's lip before he could stop them. "And when you love someone you want to keep them safe, I want to keep you safe" Callum whispered pressing a soft kiss to his forehead letting it linger. Love. It was a strong word for him to used. He knew it was and he knew that Ben and his family was trouble. Mick said they were like Walford mafia but Callum didn't care. Ben was the first person that Callum could be his self around. He could be honest with Ben and Ben was honest with him. Their 'runs' often started off as kissing and turning into a safe space where they would utter secrets to each other.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>"I was abused as a kid," Ben uttered in silence slightly breathless from their kiss. Callum felt his skin prickle as he looked to Ben mouth slightly parted in shock. "Stella, dads girlfriend, well-meant to be wife but she fell off a roof and died, on her wedding day in her dress and all," the lack of emotion behind that sentence should of scared Callum but instead it broke him. Ben seemed so distant from everything. Ben sighed shutting his eyes as he took a minute to compose himself. Callum shyly brushes his fingertips on one of the small scars he noticed on Ben's arm chewing his lip nervously<strong>.</strong></em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em><strong>"</strong>These are from her aren't they?" Callum's voice was no louder than a whisper as he let his fingertips explore the marks his heartbreaking as Ben slowly nodded.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>"Hot spoon," Ben quickly scrubbed his face roughly with his sleeve to try and rid the tears. "It shouldn't affect me anymore, it was years ago but sometimes it hits me," Ben's voice was broken cracking with every word. Callum stayed quiet and just pulled Ben into him arms wrapping around him just hugging him tightly just holding him. He felt Ben sob and shake in his arms but he didn't stop holding him.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>"I love you too," Ben whispered uncertainly as he scanned Callum's face. It was it he was trying to find any clue it was a joke but Callum didn't laugh, instead, he pressed a small ghost kiss to the corner of Ben's mouth. He pressed another one of his lips with more pressure. "You're too good for me" Ben whispered against his lip.</p><p> </p><p>"Piss off" Callum chuckled shaking his head "maybe you're too good for me" Callum teased just desperate to see Ben smile. His smile was like the rainbow that came after the storm. Ben gave him a gentle shove.</p><p> </p><p>"Don't be ridiculous" There it was the small smile as he grabbed hold of Callum's shirt and pulled him into a kiss.</p><p> </p><p>"I knew it! Didn't I Jay?!" They turned and saw Lola staggering towards them, pink high heels in one hand bottle of echo falls in the other. Callum felt the colour drain from his face as he stared at Lola who wrapped her arm around, Ben, pulling him into her side kissing the side of his head. Ben laughed shaking his head as he held her close.</p><p> </p><p>"Stop you're scaring him off lo," Ben smile was back in full force. Callum knew that Lola and Jay knew that Ben was gay and seemed okay with it but he couldn't help but panic as he stared at them blankly.</p><p> </p><p>"We should go get chips!" Callum blurted out his legs beginning to shake again. He was becoming comfortable with his sexuality around Ben but the thought of being comfortable around anyone else made him feel a bit ill, a sick feeling blubbering in his stomach.</p><p> </p><p>"Uh sure mate sure," Jay muttered looking at him strangely as he looked at Lola who was dancing around with Ben.</p><p> </p><p>"I want chips!" She slurred as Ben span her around and suddenly Callum was missing his private little bubble with just him and Ben.</p><p> </p><p>~</p><p>Callum's hand once again found Ben's as they walked the cold December air nipping at their noses. Jay and Lola walked behind them mumbling drunkenly about trees and pigeons but Callum wasn't really focusing on them. He was still thinking about the way Ben muttered those words to him. His heart was fluttering every time he thought of it.</p><p> </p><p>"I love you" Callum muttered to him kissing his cheek nuzzling his face into the crook of Ben's neck as they stopped outside the chip shop.</p><p> </p><p>"I love you too you sap," Ben laughed running his hand through his hair.</p><p> </p><p>"You two are cute, cute like unicorns" Lola slurred as she took another sip from the wine bottle.</p><p> </p><p>"I think you should stay out here with Callum and me and Ben will go get the chips yeah," Jay was simple as he rubbed her back and Lola as she stumbled over to Callum wrapping her arms around his waist resting her head on his shoulder. Callum glanced at Ben eyes flicking down to their hands watching them slowly disconnect feeling empty once again but he quickly shook the feeling of loneliness and focused on Lola wrapping his arms around her to support her.</p><p> </p><p>"I knew about you and Ben" she whispered looking up at him blue eyes sparkling in the moonlight. She looked like a kid on Christmas morning and Callum couldn't help but smile.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh yeah?" he teased looking down at her finding her drunken state a little adorable as she nodded slowly.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah because whenever Ben was around you he would sparkle! Like Christmas lights! He lost his sparkle then he met you and he sparkled brighter" Her voice was excited but the meaning on her words made Callum's heart warm that he could almost cry. "He was always in trouble but now he met you and last detention he got was when you shoved him against the locker, you're like this little superman" Callum felt his cheek burn as he looked at his feet trying to hide his smile. "Just look after him okay?" Lola pressed a sloppy kiss on his cheek.</p><p> </p><p>"Always," Callum nodded as he looked up watching Ben walk towards them and felt his heart warm as he let Lola go back to jay.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"You guys coming back to the party?" Jay asked as he supported Lola struggling to hold her and the chips.</p><p> </p><p>"My dad is out, on holiday with Sharon and that" Ben looked at Callum as he spoke slowly as if he was stepping on eggshells worried he was going to scare him off. "So I have the house to myself.." Ben trailed off. Callum felt his mouth become dry as he just nodded</p><p> </p><p>"Okay," Callum gave him a small shy smile that Ben responded with a goofy smile as he took Callum's hand.</p><p> </p><p>"Lovely" Jay muttered under his breath "stay safe don't go getting each other pregnant" he grumbled as he shook his head giving them a wave as he walked away with Lola who was whining about not being able to eat her chips yet.</p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>Callum kicked his shoes off by the door after him and Ben stumbled through the door laughing about what Jay said. Callum took a moment to look around, the house was huge but homey. Walls cluttered with pictures. Each picture looked like a family full of love and adventure. The walls were painted not just white and mould that Callum was use to. He was slightly taken back.</p><p> </p><p>"My rooms upstairs come on you," Ben grabbed Callum's hand dragging him up the stairs and it took Callum all his concentration on not tripping over. Ben pushed the door and Callum took a moment to look around. The bed was unmade clothes littered all over the floor. The walls were painted a light grey and were covered in all sorts of posters, west side story and boxing ones. It smelt like lynx deodorant but it felt homely. Callum glanced over at the old vinyl player with a tower sacked high.</p><p> </p><p>"Sorry it's a bit of a mess," Ben said chucking the paper packet on the bed as he focused on picking up some clothes and chucking them on the office chair. Callum carefully perched himself on the edge of the bed.</p><p> </p><p>"It's proper nice, homey" Callum muttered slightly taken back. It was so Ben. He loved it. Ben laughed and sat next to him picking up the chips tearing open the paper resting half of it on his leg and the other half on Callum' a so they could share. But Callum didn't have an appetite he was just fascinated by Ben. He reached out his hand as Ben focused on eating the chips and traced his face. Letting his fingertips dance over his skin feeling his jawline, brushing his thumb against his nose, lips before coming to his ear stopping slightly as he looked at the hearing aid that sat on his ear.</p><p> </p><p>"How did you lose your hearing?" He whispered in a trance resting his hand on bend neck twiddling with his hair.</p><p> </p><p>"Meningitis as a baby" Ben said it so open, no embarrassment being around Callum shoving another chip in his mouth pulling a face. "These need more salt," Callum just nodded chewing his lip taking a deep breath.</p><p> </p><p>"What are we?" He blurted out then cringed at himself. Why could he never do anything subtle? But his heart was begging him to asks. Ben froze looking at Callum.</p><p> </p><p>"Uh-I thought you were my boyfriend" Ben stuttered out in a rush before shoving his mouth full of chips as he if he was trying to pull focus away from what he just said.</p><p> </p><p>"Boyfriend," Callum to himself unable to contain his smile as he grabbed the chips tossing the bag on the floor before crashing his lips against Ben's. Bens hand instantly went up to Callum's face cupping it as he returned the kiss. Callum's hand went to Ben's waist and pulled him onto his lap letting Ben straddle his hips as they kept kissing. Giving each other they're all to show just how much they meant to each other. Ben grabbed Callum's jacket pushing it off his shoulders. It wasn't smooth it was rushed and got caught on Callum's arms so they pulled away slightly letting Callum shrug the jacket off his shoulders. He felt Ben's laugh rumble from his chest as they connected to their lips once again. It became frantic. Both of them grabbing at each other's shirts. Each touch, each breathy moan that came from Ben, everything was burning at Callum. The desire starting to build in the pit of his stomach as he started unbuttoning Ben’s shirt. Once his shirt was undone Callum’s hand went back to holding his face as he kissed him so desperately. He let out a small whimper when Ben started to roll his hips. The world around them began to blur and Callum found himself getting lost in Ben. So lost that neither of them heard the footsteps. So lost in each other’s touches and moans that they didn’t even hear someone walk into the bedroom. But they did hear-</p><p> </p><p>“Ben!” Ben fell off Callum scrambling to his feet.</p><p> </p><p>“Mum..uh-I” Ben struggled to get the words out.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Picking up the pieces</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Callum was drifting further and further away from his father and brother. Only seeing them on the odd nights he wasn't hiding in Ben's room or if he and Ben had a little tantrum and if he was being honest it made him happier. Whenever he was around his family he felt like he was holding his breath, slowly suffocating himself to keep his secret safe from them. Letting himself drown in his their and his disgust with his sexuality. He didn't have to do that with Ben. Ben was like a safe space, collecting the broken parts of Callum with a steady hand, gently placing the pieces back together like Lego. </p><p>x</p><p>The final chapter</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So hi! Uh it’s been a while innit? The truth is I don’t like this fic, I don’t like how I wrote it and it took me along time (and a lot of convincing from some very special people) to post the final chapter and the only reason I did was because I do have a follow up/sequel that I’m halfway through for this that I like so here I present the final chapter of Just Let Me Adore You! Thank You for taking the time to read it, for all the comments that kept it going. I hope you enjoy &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Mum..uh-I" Ben struggled to get the words out and struggled to button his shirt up. Callum took a minute to come back to the real world. Heart banging against his chest as he looked at Ben then at his mum. "It's not-I'm not-Mum I'm sorry" Ben started crying tears rolling down his cheek, breathing hyperventilating. </p><p>"Ben.." Ben's mum's voice was soft and gentle as she tried to put a handout but Ben just pulled away staring to pull at his clothes anxiously. </p><p>"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Ben was shouting irrationally now the sobs rumbling from his chests as he started to shake. Callum frowned and quickly stood up pulling him against his chest holding him tightly even when Ben fought him. "I'm gay I'm so fucking sorry! I'm sorry, please I'm sorry!" </p><p>"Calm down," Callum whispered sternly in his ear as he kissed the top of his head "deep breath," he slowly felt Ben relax against him before slowly pulling away. This wasn't about Callum. Even though his heart was banging against his chest, this was about Ben. He needed to be there for Ben so he stood back and let his mum pull Ben into her arms.</p><p>"Do you think I'm stupid Ben?"She whispered voice soft pressing a soft kiss in his hair. "I've known you were gay when you were three and dancing to musicals..I've been telling your dad ever since" She laughed ever so slightly before pulling away "I'm proud of you" Callum couldn't help but smile softly at the two of them. Ben's mum seemed so soft, like Ben was sometimes. She gave off the vibe that you could talk to her about anything and she would listen with open arms and an open heart. She had the same kindness in her eyes that Ben had. They twinkled. "Did you really think I thought you were buying endless amounts of hot chocolate for a friend? I use to watch you two from the cafe's kitchen window" She beamed before looking at Callum smiling even brighter. </p><p>"Uh oh I'm Callum" Callum felt the blood rush to his cheeks when he stuttered, it wasn't the best first impression. He wanted to be perfect for Ben. Someone Ben wasn't embarrassed to bring home. He wanted to be everything that Ben's deserved. </p><p>"I'm Kathy..it's good to put a name to a face after watching you and Ben develop your little love story" Everything about Kathy was soft and lovely something Callum didn't use to. </p><p>"You use to watch us? Is that what you're doing now mum?" Ben mumbled into Kathy, tears still streaming down his cheek. "Wanted a front row at our sex show"  </p><p>"Oh, Ben Mitchell! What are you like!" Kathy laughed softly shaking her head as she hugged him tighter. "Your dad asked me to check up on you apparently and I tried calling the home phone but you didn't answer I didn't realise you were up here..well.."</p><p>"We weren't doing anything!" Callum blurted out, he couldn't help it. He didn't want to be seen as just using Ben for sex or for Kathy to think all the did was sex. They didn't. They haven't done anything. Not that Callum didn't want to, he really wanted to. Not that he would tell anyone that and he definitely wouldn't tell anyone that Ben being underneath him was often on his mind in the middle of the night or when he was alone in the shower. </p><p>"Well, we might have done something if you didn't interrupt us," Ben grumbled as he pulled away from Kathy, crossing his arms as he raised an eyebrow. Callum couldn't help but laugh softly the blush spreading on his cheeks again. </p><p>"Ben what am I going to do with you," Kathy still seemed unbothered as she took a couple steps back smile still just as bright "I'll see you, boys, later! It was nice meeting you Callum" She blew them both a kiss as she walked out the room. "Don't forget to wash your sheets before your dad comes home!" Callum heard her shout up and once again he felt the awkward blush. Silence surrounded Callum and Ben once again. Wrapping around them cosily as Callum sat back on the edge of the bed as he looks up at Ben. </p><p>"Where were we?" Ben smirked, but Callum could tell he still had tears rolling down his cheek as he leaned forward pressing a kiss on Callum's lip.</p><p>"Ben-" Callum pressed a hand to his chest and other hand going to his cheek thumb brushing the tears away. Ben sighed and rested his forehead against's Callum as he kissed him softly once again. This time there was no heat, just a desire to be comforted. To be loved. Callum wrapped his arms around Ben shuffling them more onto the bed letting Ben sit on his lap wrapping his legs around Callum's waist.  </p><p>"Okay?" Callum whispered warm breath against Ben's cheek as he looked into his eyes. He brushed his thumb under Ben's eyes trying to erase the tears, the pain Ben was feeling. </p><p>"I was expecting her to be angry, but she wasn't?" Ben whispered voice breaking, cracking with emotion. "But I still can't show you off, to come home to dad and be like..look at my boyfriend! Look at the way he blushes and the way he smiles, look how fucking cute he is..but I can't...I can't and it's not fair!" Ben's voice was slowly getting louder and louder on the verge of shouting. "I can't even take you home to mum because Ian but you know what upsets me more?" Callum shook his head as he listened tears burning at his own eyes as he listens "I can't tell your family how great you..how loved you make me feel..I can't laugh with Stuart about you because he would beat me then you up wouldn't he?" </p><p>"I don't care about my family I don't care about Phil...I have you and that's enough..you make me feel loved..you let me feel love..I've spent most of my life hiding..but you make me want to be myself! You let me be myself!" Callum held Ben's face with both hands as he looked into him letting his emotion escape in the form of tears. "As long as I have you I don't fucking care about anything else and one day we're gonna run far far away and I'll hold your hand whenever and wherever I want to okay? Just us against the world fuck everyone else" Ben's lip started to wobble as he listened to Callum. They were letting themselves be vulnerable in a world where they couldn't. <br/>The feeling was almost overwhelming to the both of them as the looked intensely into each other's eyes. Callum stroked Ben's cheek with his thumb as his eyes flickered down to Ben's lip. He pulled him as close as possible pressing his lips softly against his. That's all it took before it became frantic. Sloppy kisses, breathy moans and gasps. Callum felt like he couldn't breathe in the best way possible way, skin prickling as he grabbed the fabric Ben's shirt's, knuckles almost turning white. It was like they couldn't get close enough of each other. The feeling of wanting to make each other feel loved. </p><p>"Callum Callum" Ben mumbled against the corner of Callum's mouth hand pressed to his chest as he slowly pulled away. Callum looked up at him. Ben looked totally wrecked, lips and cheeks a dark red, eyes dark. It did something to Callum something that Whitney could never do. He felt on fire. His heart pounding against his chest so hard he wouldn't be surprised if Ben could hear it. "We don't have to do anything if you don't want to.." Ben's tone was so soft that it almost made Callum melt. "I don't want you to think that just because I make this stupid jokes that I want us to do like sex things..I mean I do..but only if you're comfortable you know" Ben stuttered stumbling over his words. He looked down fiddling with a button on Callum's shirt as the blush spread onto his neck. </p><p>"I want to" Callum' voice cracked and croaked and he almost died from embarrassment. He couldn't focus when Ben was sat on his lap legging pressing against him. </p><p>"Yeah but like even if we get halfway through something and you wanna stop just tell me yeah? I ain't gonna be mad or anything like I just want you to be comfortable and like I dunno just want you happy innit?" He pressed a delicate kiss against Callum's lip, hand softly brushing through his hair soothingly. Callum couldn't help the chuckle that vibrated against Ben's lips. </p><p>"Okay, love you" Callum hummed before you focused on kissing Ben again. </p><p>Callum ended that night getting lost in Ben's eyes and his hand as he moaned and gasped against the skin on Ben's neck, hands gripping the sheets and he started the morning asleep, in Ben's bed with his arms around Ben, legs intertwined between the sheets. Everything just Ben, Ben, Ben. </p><p>~ <br/>Over the following months, Callum started most mornings like that now, round Phil's house hidden up in Ben's room. Ben curled into his chest. They would stay up there until Phil left for work, or Callum would just hide there while Ben sat down there and played happy family's over breakfast. Other times when Louise was over they stayed at Ian's with Kathy. They didn't need to hide there as much. Kathy embraced them with open arms. It was Ian that was the problem. He wasn't the most accepting. The one and only time he and Callum actually interacted alone were at one in the morning when Callum crept out of Ben's room in just his boxers looking for the bathroom when he bumped into Ian. He begged for the floor to open and swallow him up when he awkwardly starting talking about the weather. </p><p>Callum rarely stayed at home now, only going to get fresh clothes or to show Stu and his dad that he wasn't dead in a ditch somewhere, they just assumed he was at Whitney's. Jonno didn't complain, in fact, he often told Callum he was proud that his son was out with a 'girl' and Stuart would make the odd inappropriate comment that made Callum's skin crawl in the most disgusting way it made him feel physically dirty. </p><p>At least school was getting easier, exam season full into the swing and them only needing to go if they had exams that day they didn't have to pretend to be just 'close friends' for six hours. Sitting so close to Ben and not being allowed to stroke his hair or thigh was painful for Callum. Even though everyone Callum considered a friend knew after the party all it needed to take was one of the football lads to see him and Ben being a little too comfortable together and all hell would break loose. They couldn't risk getting beaten up and their dads being called into school and being told that their sons were gay so they were happy with what they were doing. </p><p>~<br/>Callum sat crossed legged with Ben round Phil's on Ben's bed. Both them just wearing their boxes as science revision guides cluttered the bed. It was a day where they both didn't have an exam until later in the day so they spent the morning in bed, no need for Ben to go say good morning to Phil and act like something he wasn't, they spent the morning just enjoying each others company before deciding that they did actually need to revise. </p><p>"What would be the worst thing to happen to us if I came out to my dad?" Ben whispered so quietly Callum was almost certain he heard him wrong. </p><p>"Uh, what?" Callum chuckled awkwardly as he put down his revision cards that he nicked off Whit, before he looked at Ben. </p><p>"Like what's the worst that could happen? He hates me? Kicks me out the will? But does it matter? I have you and mum" Callum stared straight at Ben trying to find any sign that he was joking. "I would still be happy" Ben's voice was cracking now tears threatening to roll down his cheek. "I would get you and that's all I want". </p><p>"You have me, Ben, you know you do, no matter what your dad thinks but for now we agreed it's safer if he doesn't know okay? I love you so much and one day we'll run away okay? But for today let's focus on enzymes yeah?" Callum pressed a small kiss on his forehead rubbing his arm comfortingly. </p><p>"I just wish it wasn't so hard sometimes" Callum nodded understandingly as Ben looked up at Callum, his eyes were resembling a sad puppy dog. "can't we run away now? Just forget about everyone else" </p><p>"With what money Ben? How would we survive?" It was meant to come out as a joke but in typical halfway fashion it came out blunt and awkward leaving a bad taste in the air.</p><p>"Yeah good point" Ben mumbled annoyance clear in his tone as he stared back at the textbook. Callum sighed as he placed a hand on ben's arm causing Ben to look back up at him. Callum chuckled softly at just how grumpy Ben looked, like a toddler that wasn't allowed an ice cream. He rolled his eyes playfully and leaned in kissing him softly. </p><p>"One day, we'll be us, we'll be happy, we will have our own home, that we'll share with our own lives away from Phil and Jonno and it'll be so worth it. I promise" Callum was looking at Ben so intensely trying to make sure his points weren't being missed. He had an overwhelming feeling of love for Ben with no idea how to express it. Not a clue on how to tell him that he daydreams about their future in such an obsessive way it was probably borderline unhealthy. Or how to tell him that he is the only person that can properly soothe his bursts of anxiety. Or that he is the only person on earth that made him feel truly happy, who makes him feel like a kid on Christmas Eve. Words were never Callum's strong suit so all he could do was just hold him, kiss him, stroke his hair to show just how he was constantly thinking about him. "We could even get a dog" Callum whispered pulling Ben closer letting him cuddle and hide his face in his chest feeling the small vibration of Ben's laugh against his skin.</p><p>"Hmm no maybe a cat or something smaller like a hamster" Ben laughed as he pulls himself out of the warmth of Callum's arms "I love you" he whispered "one day" he promised. They both promised. </p><p>~</p><p>{u have a letter! looks official, maybe from army?!}-Stu 10:36 am </p><p>Callum glanced at the text as him and Ben walked, not holding hands, but so close they should be towards the school for their exam. After ben's little wobble Callum dragged him into the shower, washed his hair and showed him an expression of love in a different way to try and stop him from spiralling. </p><p>"Whose that? Your girlfriend?" Ben was slowly getting back to the jokes, the sexual innuendos and just being Ben. </p><p>"Don't be daft it's Stuart" He chuckles brushing his hand against Ben's. It was so subtle yet so intense, the smallest tough causing his skin to burn in the best possible way. It took all his self-control not to grab ben's hand, so instead, he focused on typing with both hands.</p><p> </p><p>{K. I'll pick it up after exam } </p><p>Callum was drifting further and further away from his father and brother. Only seeing them on the odd nights he wasn't hiding in Ben's room or if he and Ben had a little tantrum and if he was being honest it made him happier. Whenever he was around his family he felt like he was holding his breath, slowly suffocating himself to keep his secret safe from them. Letting himself drown in his their and his disgust with his sexuality. He didn't have to do that with Ben. Ben was like a safe space, collecting the broken parts of Callum with a steady hand, gently placing the pieces back together like Lego. </p><p>~ </p><p>"That wasn't too bad was it?" Callum grinned at Ben as he walked out the exam. He felt positive, they were so close to the end now, only five more exams left and he felt like he was doing well. The revision paying off although he did wish that he focused on atoms a little more last night instead of focusing on the noise's Ben made when he kissed his neck. </p><p>"Yeah, it was alright" Ben shrugged before a small grin took over his own face. "House will still be empty wanna go revise some physical education?" Callum couldn't help but snort shaking his head. </p><p>"Yeah, I'll make you run up and down the stairs" Callum muttered shaking his head as he nudged Ben's shoulder as they walked out the gates. "I just gotta stop off at home and grab a letter but yeah I'm sure I can fit you into my revision schedule" He whispered trying to ignore the blush on Ben's cheek and the feeling of butterflies in his stomach. </p><p>"Ew is uncle fester gonna be there?" Ben teased awkwardly fiddling with his tie trying to ignore that Callum's hand was just there, lonely and crying to be held. </p><p>"Ben!" Callum tried to be stern but he couldn't help the laugh that tumbled from his lips "but yeah probably, you can wait outside though. You haven't even met him properly anyway" Callum's hand were now screaming at him, almost in pain with the urge to hold Ben's hand. </p><p>"Yeah but he's a prick I just know he is, I can feel it" Ben muttered shaking his head. "And I like snogging you in your room without Shrek lurking about" </p><p>"You're a nightmare you know that?" Callum laughed pointing a finger at him. Ben quickly glanced around before pressing a quick and rushed kiss to Callum's lips. It was awkward and it didn't even meet his lips, it was like Ben was trying to sloppily snog Callum's chin, but before Callum could respond Ben quickly move away giving Callum a quick wink. </p><p>They stayed in silence for the rest of the walk just enjoying each others company, the odd shoulder nudge and smile was enough for the both of them. They didn't need words when it was just them, they didn't need to shove words down each other's throats, they didn't need to overcompensate. They could just stay in silence, sunbathing in the presence of each other. </p><p>"I'll be two ticks okay? Love you" Callum muttered softly once they reached the place that use to be home before Ben came along. He gently placed a hand on ben's arm with a small smile before walking in. The second he was more than a meter away from Ben he felt his heartache. He always did. He quickly pulled his key out of his pocket. He almost dropped it a couple times, rushing not wanting to spend more than five minutes in the house that smelt like stale beer and cigarettes. </p><p>Callum walked in trying to ignore the nerves that were making his legs shake, at least his dad wasn't there, not seeing the beaten up cat on the drive filled him with some relief. No drunken shouts of praise for all the time he was spending with 'Whitney'</p><p>"Ah, alright bruv? Feel like I haven't seen you in ages" Stuart slapped Callum's arm and it took all of Callum's power not to burst into a confusing flood of tears. He knew it was meant to be a friendly brotherly sign of affection but it made him feel uneasy.  He once again felt like he was drowning in lies, a feeling that felt so foreign to him now after being around Ben for so long. He felt the demons of disgust and anxiety start to wake as his mouth began dry in the most of uncomfortable way. </p><p>"Yeah yeah just here to grab the letter, never get letters feel like Harry Potter" Callum awkwardly shuffled past Stuart teaching and grabbing the letter shoving it in his blazer pocket. "Look Stu I gotta go do my revision so I'll be back up later or something" Callum had turned into a stuttering mess as he tried to walk to the front door. Almost making it before Stuart grabbed his arm. Callum was certain that Stu was going to feel him shaking. The nerves were so loud and brash compared to the comforting silence Callum has gotten used to around Ben. He looked up at Stuart feeling the fear rush through his body, making his knees so weak he was surprised he hasn't collapsed into a quivering mess on the floor. </p><p>"Halfway," That name felt so foreign to Callum now, no teacher called him it at school anymore. He didn't see Mick as much as he did, not needing to use him as a shelter from the shit storm that was his father now he had Ben. "I know dad is a lot but this is still your home, you don't have rush off" </p><p>"I know but Whit's waiting for me," Callum surprised himself with how easy the lie slipped from his lips. Tumbling so gracefully. </p><p>"Oh-oh" Stuart laughed, grinning as he nodded understandably. "I see right don't want to keep her waiting, bring her round at some point yeah?" Callum just nodded slipping out the front door. He let the summer breeze calm himself. Taking a few deep breaths, hand gripping onto the letter in his blazer tightly. </p><p>"Alright?" Ben's soft voice never failed to make Callum smile, it was soothing, like an ice-cold drink on a warm sticky day. "babe you're shaking" Callum slowly came back to earth when he felt Ben's thumb gently brushing against the back of his hand. Callum slowly intertwined his fingers with Ben's, letting him kiss his cheek. </p><p>"C'mon" Callum whispered keeping his and Ben's hand connected as they started to walk home, neither of them noticing Stuart watching from the crack of the curtain. </p><p>~ </p><p>"You gonna open that letter or are you just gonna stare at it?" Ben teased as he sat next to on the bed next to Callum, passing him his hot chocolate with a small kiss. "I mean you're a bit old for it to be a Hogwarts letter so don't get your hopes up" </p><p>"I wasn't staring, just thinking" Callum wasn't even sure why he was delaying opening the letter. He knew what was happening, this was it, the end. He sighed putting his cup down on the bedside table with more force than he intended. He felt tense, even with Ben snuggling into his side pressing delicate gentle kisses to his shoulder. He deliberately took his time, ripping the envelope open, pulling out the letter. He let his eyes flicker over the words trying to make sense of it. He felt the lump in his throat when he finished. </p><p>"I got in..I got into the army training" Callum voice broke as he tries to stop the tears that were burning at his eyes. He felt his phone buzz, glancing overseeing it was Lee. It was probably about him getting his letter but he couldn't face that right now. He couldn't even face Ben who was sat right next to him. He gripped onto the piece of paper tighter as he felt his chest start to constrict. He felt sick, his stomach flipping and twisting uncomfortably. This was it, this was the needle that was going to pop his and ben's little bubble. He knew this was coming, he tried to mess up the interview but his dad was in the back of his head telling him he needs to do well, but he hoped and prayed that this wouldn't happen. <br/>He couldn't stop it now, the panic rushed through him as the sobs erupted from his chest, bile rising in his throat. </p><p>"Cal...Callum?" Ben felt numb for a split second, watching Callum hyperventilate pulling at his hair. This wasn't the first time he saw Callum get himself in a state but this was bad. Ben snapped out of it and gently placed his hand on top of Callum's that was gripping onto his hair. He gently pried his hand and held it tightly. Callum shook violently as he tried to control his breathing as he glanced at Ben. </p><p>"I can't-this-us-I-don't" Callum words were jumbled, squeezing his eyes shut as he prayed his brain would make sense of his thoughts. Chest still heaving and begging as Ben whispered reassurance, love, promises with a gentle hand waiting for Callum to stop breaking so he could pick up the pieces, the broken parts and try and put them back together again. </p><p>"I have to leave in a few weeks," Callum slowly began to calm as he looked at Ben eyes red, cheeks tear-stained, lips chewed raw. </p><p>"You don't have too" Ben whispered softly kissing his cheek. "You don't have to do anything but be you" </p><p>"Ben...I have to..this is what I've been destined since I was little, since my grandad, since my dad saw me as this weak pathetic kid" Callum couldn't stop the small gasps and breaths as he tried to stop his lungs from giving up. "What am I meant to tell him? That I can't go because of some boy? You know that will just make him want me to go more, he's still my dad, he's still got this control over me Ben" Callum's voice was getting louder and louder as he ranted. </p><p>"Okay okay," Ben soft tone didn't change, even when Callum was a shouting sobbing mess on him, his soft voice stayed consistent. He gingerly took Callum's blazer off, Callum letting him as he shut his eyes, feeling exhausted as the panic died down taking all his energy with him. Ben then went for Callum's tie loosening it before pulling it over his head. Neither them uttered another word to each other it not being needed. Ben just let Callum lie in his bed, cuddling into his chest, letting the exhausted take over Callum, hand soothingly playing with his hair as he tried to not let his own heartbreak at the thought of Callum leaving and being alone once again. </p><p>~<br/>Callum awoke the next morning in just his t-shirt and boxers, head thudding as his bones ached, he felt disgusting, hair soaked in sweat, his eyes still stinging and throat still sore. He felt groggy, like his mind has been clouded over, there was no rainbow after the storm, just dark clouds and a harsh wind that left his chest feeling empty. He looked around trying to find Ben, the panic set in when he wasn't in the bed next to him. </p><p>"Morning," Callum let out a silent sigh of relief to himself when he heard the creak of Ben's door and the sound of his gentle voice bringing a sense of calm wash over Callum. "You've been asleep for like 16 hours" he chuckled softly as he sat himself down next to Callum brushing his hand through his hair. </p><p>"You're joking?!" Callum sat himself upright nearly knocking Ben off the bed as he grabbed his phone from the bedside table. </p><p>||Saturday 11th of June 2011 9:47am|| </p><p>Flashed on his phone. Callum frowned seeing the unopened messages from Lee and slowly glanced towards the letter laid crinkled on the table. He decided to ignore it, along with the dozen off messages from his father and brother deciding neither was important.</p><p>"You should of woke me," Callum mumbled awkwardly before letting his head rest on Ben's shoulder taking a deep breath. "I'm sorry, yesterday...I was just a mess..it's embarrassing" </p><p>"Shut up," Ben scoffed laughing turning to look at him, that smile, that damn smile spread across his face that never failed to make Callum feel giddy in the best way possible. "It's fine, don't even mention it," </p><p>"You realise that I'm going to have to leave? You're not..you're okay with that?" Callum whispered gripping on to Ben's baggy t-shirt for some kind of comfort. Ben just shrugged as he glanced away staring the West Side Story poster. </p><p>"I don't want you to leave, I know you don't want to leave but I can't stop you can I? Just gotta hope you see that you don't need to go, that you don't need your father's approval when you have mine" Ben turned to face him again, the words that came from him felt emotionless, using all his energy to stop himself from crying and screaming that the thought of Callum leaving made him break, make his heartbreak into a thousand shattered pieces that could not be picked up and put back together. Callum sighed nodding as he reached to grab his phone.</p><p>"Ben!" A loud knock came to the door causing both boys to sit up bolt right. The softness of the warm turning ice cold and hard. The fear rushing into the room alongside Phil's voice. </p><p>"Just a sec dad I'll be right out" Ben stood up as Callum sat looking up at him. Ben planned to just go to the door, step out into the hall but that quickly failed when Phil walked into the room. Ben and Callum just stared at him like a dear caught in headlights, seconds before their death. </p><p>"Uh dad," Ben took a breath hands fiddling nervously with each other. This was it. This is the moment they've been delaying, the conversation they avoided, the danced around to avoid crashing and burning. "This is my..boyfriend...Callum" Ben looked at Phil, head titled as he if he was trying to challenge Phil. Callum's heart raced picked up, but this wasn't about him, no he needed to be there, following Ben into the war. </p><p>"That's why that waste of space highway family has been threatening me, telling me to sort you out" Phil tone didn't change, no emotion, not even anger or disgust. Then it hit Callum, the highways, that was his family he grabbed his phone unlocking it hands shaking. He had dozens of messages, missed calls. </p><p>{you need to get your pathetic ass home now!}- Dad</p><p>{Callum, you need to come here, me and L are here, you're safe but you need to speak to your dad}-Mick </p><p>{I'm sorry bruv}-Stuart  </p><p>All of them sent that morning, the most recent being a missed call from Mick 8 minutes ago. He felt sick but he pushed it aside, he didn't care, he cared about Ben. </p><p>"You need to stay with your mother" Phil tone didn't change, still just cold even with Ben looking up at him, like a broken child tears glazed over his eyes. Phil ignored the gentle shattered plead of Ben muttering 'dad' "Pack your shit up Ben, you're not welcome here," The conversation ended with a slam of the door. </p><p>"Wanker," Ben muttered under his breath, tears dried up as he grabbed a rucksack from his wardrobe "oh well I've been waiting all packed and ready for months" he chuckled before glancing at Callum. Callum stood holding onto his phone tears rolling down his cheek.</p><p>"I think-" Callum took a deep breath "my dad knows, he knows"</p><p>~ </p><p>Callum walked to his estate, Ben walking next to him after refusing to let him go home by himself. That's the thing about Ben, even though he was just kicked out, outed, rejected he didn't care, he cared about Callum. That's what love is, everything the last few months for Ben has revolved around Callum and for Callum, they revolved around Ben. Love was being there and that's what Ben was doing now, taking Callum's hand when they saw Mick's Range Rover on the road letting go when they reached the door. Callum held his breath as he opened the door. </p><p>"There he is!" The familiar drunken shout erupting through the hall. Callum walked into the living room Ben by his side as they looked at everyone. "Is that him boy?!" Jonno turned and faced Stuart "the one that turned my son into a fairy!" </p><p>"A fairy?!" Ben looked at Jonno with disbelief. Callum could feel how tense Ben was, the anger and protectiveness radiating from his body. He was ready for a fight and it rubbed off on Callum, he could be as brave as Ben was earlier with his dad. They could do this. </p><p>"You mean gay dad," Callum's voice came out as a broken whisper but he took a deep breath trying to force himself to have the courage that Ben did "but he didn't turn me gay, I've always been gay dad, it's who I am it's a part of me and I'm not gonna let you stand there and make me feel bad about it!" Callum surprised himself with how loud he was. How certain he was. Mick was there with the reassuring smile. He could do this. </p><p>"You need to remember I'm your father lad! You'll show me respect in my house! You're not one of them, you're my boy you're not one of them sort yourself out lad!" The anger in Jonno's eyes and voice almost Callum break, to say he made it up, to let himself be controlled by his dad. </p><p>"I'm gay, dad" Callum repeated trying to glance ar Stuart, to see if he had his support but he refused to meet his eyes muttering how disgusting it was "but it's okay, I'm still going to the army, I'm still me," Callum pleaded the bravery drifting away from him. "I'm gonna fight, I can prove I can still be your son" The tears were stinging at his cheek, burning. </p><p> </p><p>"You're no son of mine," Jonno spat at him before the quick punch that caused Callum to stumble back. Then came the shouting, from Mick, from Ben. It became a blur, Callum becoming distant from the situation not even sure how he ended up in the Carter's kitchen. Like all those months ago when he first met Ben, Linda sat opposite using a damp cloth to try and scrub the dried blood off from his nose. </p><p>"Absolute prick" It took Callum a moment to notice Ben sat on the counter legs swinging as Mick passed him a mug muttering about how much an idiot Jonno was. Callum felt lost, confused, as if for the last hour he didn't exist. He felt empty and confused. </p><p>"There we go" Linda whispered pinching Callum's cheek lovingly as she ruffled his hair "good as new," Callum gave her a small smile as he fiddle with the strings on his hoodie. "Chicken pasta for dinner? You alright with that Ben?" Linda turned and looked at Ben "the sofa bed is a double so I'm sure you both will fit,". In that moment there Callum could feel his heartbreak as he wondered if this what would be his and Ben's life if they were born into the family like the carters, accepting, warm and everything a family could be. Callum wanted that and he was never going to get that. </p><p>~ <br/>The next few weeks went by in a blur. They spent it crashing on Linda's sofa or hidden up in Ben's room round Kathy's when they weren't at their final exams. It wasn't the same, there was this awkward tension that went alongside with the love, both of them trying to avoid the conversation of Callum leaving, even at Callum's and Lee's going away party they both avoided the subject, drinking everything they could the night ending with Ben throwing up on Callum's shoes while sobbing about how much he loved him. They knew it was happening, Ben sat quietly one evening watching Mick and Shirley help Callum with all the forms. His heart wasn't quiet though, screaming and begging for a promise that it wouldn't be torn apart. Ben got used to staying quiet around Callum but the when the day came for Callum to leave he couldn't. Not when he was standing on the train platform waiting for the train that would take away his happiness. It was just too cruel. </p><p>“Don’t do this,” It was quiet, so quiet Callum almost didn’t hear it turning around to face Ben when he did “Please Callum you can’t do this to me” Ben’s lip wobbled as he tried to hold himself together, the sellotape he was using peeling away at the edges. </p><p>“Ben..” Callum’s voice reeked of pity, it made Ben sick to his stomach. “I’ll be back in a few months, we can write letters and email” It felt like Ben’s eyes was the ocean and the tears came like a tsunami, the broke the flood gates and now he was stood sobbing broken, waiting for Callum to did what he did best. To pick up the pieces. To glue him back together piece by piece. </p><p> </p><p>“Then you’ll leave again” Ben felt like a spoilt brat but he couldn’t help it. Callum was that brand new toy that Ben couldn’t afford. “If you leave now, that’s it you leave me behind and I let you go” Ben scrubbed his eyes with his sleeves trying to show he was serious. He felt selfish trying to make Callum chose between him and the army, maybe deep down he hoped that Callum would pick him. He just wanted Callum to let him adore him with every fibre of his body and he couldn’t see Callum doing that halfway across the country, or halfway across the globe. He had to do this. </p><p>“Are you breaking up with me?” Callum mumbled his own voice starting to break as he tries to keep control of his own tears. Ben nodded slowly and that set him off. He broke. Heart-shattering into a thousand little pieces. Callum’s must have done the same as his face dropped just at the train pulled into the station. It was cruel of Ben, he knew that, to put Callum in a horrible position seconds before he had to leave. Callum didn’t sob like Ben did, didn’t beg like Ben did just took Ben’s hand in his own. </p><p>“I love you,” Callum whispered kissing Ben so intensely it took away his breath. It was a heart-stopping kiss that made his legs weak and his heartache for more. They never kissed in public like this but it was like the universe was telling them too, for the first and last time. It was one of the best kisses of Ben’s life but it was over as quick as it happened and then Callum was leaving, he didn’t say anything. Just picked up his bag and walked towards the train. It was like as Callum walked away he carelessly dragged Ben’s heart behind him. Bruising it with each rough step. He didn’t even look back and smile, but what Ben didn’t know is that Callum couldn’t, he couldn’t turn and face the boy that turned his world upside down in the best way possible. He was barely holding himself together, one look at Ben and he would break. He couldn’t let Ben see the tears that were burning his cheeks. Ben was his everything, Ben made him realise who he was, made him proud to be it, made him feel love, made him feel special and now Callum was selfishly leaving him behind. How could he face him after doing that? He was betraying him. So he stepped on that train as Ben stood lonely on the platform, not daring to turn back. Pieces of both of them shattered and scattered everywhere with no one to pick them and put them back together again. </p><p>And like that it was over, train pulling away from the station, nothing but the memories of kisses in the rain, confessions in the dark, love in the sun and broken pieces left. </p><p>They never meant to fall for each other but they did, they both came addicted to the taste of each other’s lips, to the way their hands felt in each other’s, to the way their bodies pressed together between the sheets and to the way they adored each other. That’s the thing about love, when you have it, it is the best most addictive feeling, it’s warmth and softness but when you don’t have it, it’s the worst feeling, it’s cold and harsh. And that’s what Ben would become without Callum there to pick up the pieces. And Callum would slowly become lost all over again without Ben to show him the way.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>There we go! Thank you to Chloe and Ashlee for always keeping me going with this fic (I’ve forgotten their usernames on here) I wouldn’t know what I would do without you, especially you Chloe you inspire me every day!</p><p>Anyway to everyone else thank you for reading! Uh I hope to have the second part follow up one shot thing out but Sunday, so the story isn’t over yet so keep an eye out. </p><p>As always thanks for the kudos and comments each one makes me a mess so uh thank you love you all x</p>
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